How do you make your money decisions?

Posted by random olio

Do you talk with your spouse about money? I do, but I know it is not necessarily the norm. I am what you might call a money freak. Even so, I have relaxed over the past year. I am maybe now more of just a fiend rather than a freak. Growing up without many things has made me keenly aware of where I spend my money, and yet, that only matters if Chris and I are on the same page about money.

We were not always on the same page. It is something that has evolved over time. The evolution has happened because we talk. We talk about most purchases. Some of you might say that is a bit over the top, and yes it might be. Regardless of whether it is extreme, it works for us. There is no ill will about what either of us has purchased because we both agreed on it before dropping the credit card. You might ask, “Do you talk about every single purchase?” The answer is no. For the most part we do not talk about the normal everyday purchase, like grocery items, but we do talk about most purchases over $100. It means there is no resentment, and it is easy. It is as simple as sending each other a text if we want to make a larger purchase. If the other is not sure, we wait until we can have a regular conversation.

Why does it work? It works because we have a few rules, and it is grounded on a sense of respect for the other individual and their opinion. We have shared finances, so we believe that we have a shared stake in the decisions on how we spend that shared money. One of the first rules we have is that we do not spend outside our means. If we cannot afford it, we do not make the purchase. It would have to be an emergency for us to spend outside our means. I strongly believe that if you buy only what you can afford, you will have a lot less stress in your life, and if you take that stand you will feel more like you, then living outside of who you are. The result of living within what we can afford, means not living off of our credit cards. Whatever we charge must be paid in full when the bill arrives. It feels more honest and true to who we are, when you can actually pay for your purchase.

This is what works for us. It is in no way a judgement for how others make their money decisions. I found this older LearnVest post about how a couple handles their money decisions. I liked this line:

“Because of our open running dialogue about our finances, we never argue about money, unlike most couples.”

It is true. Honesty with open communication means little to no arguments about money. It does not mean that the conversations are always easy, but it does mean you are connected about how you want to live your life, spend your money, and engage in the world together.

What works for you?

*UPDATE* Wow. I am in a bit of shock. In full transparency, everything I just wrote about apparently happens only 99% of the time. In the time it took me to write this post, my husband strayed from our agreed-upon protocol for the first time in over 10 years and made a large purchase without discussing the final details together first. Although the purchase was made with the best of intentions, he knew better and got an earful from me. No, not because I’m a hard-ass and felt the urge to raise my voice, but because he should have had a simple, open dialogue about it first, come to an agreement, and then dropped the cash. #stilllearningtogether #patienceplease

How do you ask for help?

Posted by random olio

Do you ask others for help? It is extremely hard for me. I have always struggled with it. Part of it I believe has to do with my issues with trusting others, and whether they will actually come through for me, but the rest I think results from having to do so much on my own at such an early age. I lost my parents when I was young, but most specifically my mom. I was just two months past 16 when she died. My sister was a strong force in my life, but at the end of the day she had her own life to live, and I was without a mom. My mom was sick for many years before she passed on, so I became resourceful early on. I learned that if I wanted something I would have to figure out how to attain it on my own.

Many years later I have wondered if my attempts to attain goals has been rooted in that early life dilemma to ruthlessly figure it out on my own. I rarely ask for help and, often, when I do, if I do not like what I hear, I pave my own way, steamroller and all. That does not mean that I steamroll others, more that I am going to do what I have set my mind to do.

Recently I read the book: “The Dance of Connection” by Harriet Lerner, and she shares an experience with a woman I think I would relate to:

“But this very same woman has enormous difficulty sharing her feelings of vulnerability with anyone close to her. A real do-it-yourself, she rarely acknowledges her own need for help and support. While she intellectually believes in the healing power of confiding in others, she herself is no good at it. As the eldest child of alcoholic parents, she had no experience of voicing her emotional needs and having them met. As an adult, she gains deep satisfaction from her capacity to give generously and to take care of others, but she is profoundly guarded against letting anyone return the favor. When she does share a serious problem, it’s as if she’s fiercely sweeping the ground in front of her to keep the other person from getting near her or emotionally connecting with her pain.” Page 42

There are countless times when I would go out and help anyone and everyone, but if asked if they can return the favor, I am at a loss for words. Partly, it is that the offer is freaky to me. I am not used to others asking if they can be of help. It is also that I am as the author says, “sweeping the ground” to keep others at a distance. I have often wondered if there is a way to put down the broom, and let others in. It is not easy, but I try to leave the broom in the garage, and invite others in, it just does not happen every time.

Any tips to keeping the dirt on the porch, and the offers open?

Give a little love…

Posted by random olio

Love. Love. Love. Giving a little love is never too late. I believe that love is truly the answer to so many problems. For those that are depressed, angry, or lost love could be the answer.

Most of the time when we struggle in life, when we feel loved, appreciated, and seen we find the answers we need. If that is true, what could we do to share love more each and every day? What could you do with your family, at work, with your friends? If we knew that sharing love in everything we do could transform others, would we do it? Would you? If it breaks boundaries and removes miscommunications, would you lead the way with love? If you said yes, then how do we do it? I love this quote from Brene Brown:

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.”

The idea of being vulnerable and showing our true selves has been a recent inspiration to me. If we show our true selves in the most raw and real way, how can love not surround us? Are we afraid that it will not? It is not possible. Love is always around us, we just need to stop and witness it. Most of the time, love is surrounding us in ways we cannot imagine. We just need to open our eyes, look around, and appreciate it. A few friends shared this on Valentines Day and I wanted to share it. When you watch it, I hope it reminds you that love is there each moment of your day.

Date a girl who reads

Posted by random olio

This quote has been spreading around Facebook. I have to share it here. It is so true. For all those book loving women out there, this post is for you. I am this girl. If you had a little camera or viewfinder into my world, you would find me with a book in the car when Chris is driving, in the bathroom when I am drying my hair, during toilet visits, curled up on the couch, in the bathtub, while I am running on the treadmill, snuggled up in bed before falling asleep, the list goes on.

Chris has lost me many times. I think he has finally given up. He knows there is no competition that can compare to an amazing book. He knows that if I am nearing the end I will want to stay up until I finish those last few pages. He might see tears in my eyes because I am so enraptured in the story, that I feel like I am there with the characters. He knows I may barter with him about something we need to do just so I can find out what happens next.

He knows he has married a woman who reads, and there is nothing he can do about it. He is smitten. He loves to watch the smile on my face when I close the back flap of a book, grinning because I liked the ending and cannot wait for a sequel. He watches for the next book that may come out from my favorite authors. He gets it.

I have copied the above link below so you can have more context for this quote I am referring to from Rosemarie Urquico:

“…If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at two a.m. clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.“

~ From Rosemarie Urquico’s “A Girl You Should Date.”

Psst…Chris, I write too.

One Billion Rising

Posted by random olio

Yesterday you might have received flowers or chocolates or gone out to dinner. A day of sharing love. I have never really been a fan of Valentine’s Day. Yes, I believe in love, doting, and pampering, but I think it should happen every day of the year, not a random day in February. What I do like about February 14 is that for the past 15 years, groups of women have come together to stand for women (V-Day). Events like “The Vagina Monologues” that Eve Ensler started on February 14 many years ago. This year, when researching which initiative I wanted to support, tears filled my eyes. I found “One Billion Rising.” The first few lines on the Girl Effect website says:

“One in three women on the planet will be raped or beaten in her lifetime. With a global population of seven billion, that breaks down to one billion abused women. On 14 February the One Billion Rising campaign will call for an end to such violence.”

One billion. I am one of those one billion women. I am a survivor. You probably know more of those one billion than you realize. It could have happened to your best friend, mother, sister, cousin, or coworker.

While we rise together as a force, we need to collaborate together so the number goes from one in three to ZERO. We need to end the violence against women. This is a personal, local, national, and global issue. Violence against women will touch every single one of those one billion women for the rest of their life. One billion is shocking. Absolutely shocking, horrifying, unimaginable. My tears are ones of anguish, pain, shock, sadness. How did this happen? How is this possible?

I know it is February 15 and I am a little late to share this information, but the message needs to continue to be shared. Forget chocolates and flowers. They do not matter if a woman is given flowers on the February 14 and beaten on February 15. We need to dance, rise, educate, and raise awareness for violence against women.

Please share this message widely. Join One Billion Rising.

This link covers events that happened on February 14 worldwide.