How do you make your money decisions?

Posted by random olio

Do you talk with your spouse about money? I do, but I know it is not necessarily the norm. I am what you might call a money freak. Even so, I have relaxed over the past year. I am maybe now more of just a fiend rather than a freak. Growing up without many things has made me keenly aware of where I spend my money, and yet, that only matters if Chris and I are on the same page about money.

We were not always on the same page. It is something that has evolved over time. The evolution has happened because we talk. We talk about most purchases. Some of you might say that is a bit over the top, and yes it might be. Regardless of whether it is extreme, it works for us. There is no ill will about what either of us has purchased because we both agreed on it before dropping the credit card. You might ask, “Do you talk about every single purchase?” The answer is no. For the most part we do not talk about the normal everyday purchase, like grocery items, but we do talk about most purchases over $100. It means there is no resentment, and it is easy. It is as simple as sending each other a text if we want to make a larger purchase. If the other is not sure, we wait until we can have a regular conversation.

Why does it work? It works because we have a few rules, and it is grounded on a sense of respect for the other individual and their opinion. We have shared finances, so we believe that we have a shared stake in the decisions on how we spend that shared money. One of the first rules we have is that we do not spend outside our means. If we cannot afford it, we do not make the purchase. It would have to be an emergency for us to spend outside our means. I strongly believe that if you buy only what you can afford, you will have a lot less stress in your life, and if you take that stand you will feel more like you, then living outside of who you are. The result of living within what we can afford, means not living off of our credit cards. Whatever we charge must be paid in full when the bill arrives. It feels more honest and true to who we are, when you can actually pay for your purchase.

This is what works for us. It is in no way a judgement for how others make their money decisions. I found this older LearnVest post about how a couple handles their money decisions. I liked this line:

“Because of our open running dialogue about our finances, we never argue about money, unlike most couples.”

It is true. Honesty with open communication means little to no arguments about money. It does not mean that the conversations are always easy, but it does mean you are connected about how you want to live your life, spend your money, and engage in the world together.

What works for you?

*UPDATE* Wow. I am in a bit of shock. In full transparency, everything I just wrote about apparently happens only 99% of the time. In the time it took me to write this post, my husband strayed from our agreed-upon protocol for the first time in over 10 years and made a large purchase without discussing the final details together first. Although the purchase was made with the best of intentions, he knew better and got an earful from me. No, not because I’m a hard-ass and felt the urge to raise my voice, but because he should have had a simple, open dialogue about it first, come to an agreement, and then dropped the cash. #stilllearningtogether #patienceplease

How do you ask for help?

Posted by random olio

Do you ask others for help? It is extremely hard for me. I have always struggled with it. Part of it I believe has to do with my issues with trusting others, and whether they will actually come through for me, but the rest I think results from having to do so much on my own at such an early age. I lost my parents when I was young, but most specifically my mom. I was just two months past 16 when she died. My sister was a strong force in my life, but at the end of the day she had her own life to live, and I was without a mom. My mom was sick for many years before she passed on, so I became resourceful early on. I learned that if I wanted something I would have to figure out how to attain it on my own.

Many years later I have wondered if my attempts to attain goals has been rooted in that early life dilemma to ruthlessly figure it out on my own. I rarely ask for help and, often, when I do, if I do not like what I hear, I pave my own way, steamroller and all. That does not mean that I steamroll others, more that I am going to do what I have set my mind to do.

Recently I read the book: “The Dance of Connection” by Harriet Lerner, and she shares an experience with a woman I think I would relate to:

“But this very same woman has enormous difficulty sharing her feelings of vulnerability with anyone close to her. A real do-it-yourself, she rarely acknowledges her own need for help and support. While she intellectually believes in the healing power of confiding in others, she herself is no good at it. As the eldest child of alcoholic parents, she had no experience of voicing her emotional needs and having them met. As an adult, she gains deep satisfaction from her capacity to give generously and to take care of others, but she is profoundly guarded against letting anyone return the favor. When she does share a serious problem, it’s as if she’s fiercely sweeping the ground in front of her to keep the other person from getting near her or emotionally connecting with her pain.” Page 42

There are countless times when I would go out and help anyone and everyone, but if asked if they can return the favor, I am at a loss for words. Partly, it is that the offer is freaky to me. I am not used to others asking if they can be of help. It is also that I am as the author says, “sweeping the ground” to keep others at a distance. I have often wondered if there is a way to put down the broom, and let others in. It is not easy, but I try to leave the broom in the garage, and invite others in, it just does not happen every time.

Any tips to keeping the dirt on the porch, and the offers open?

Women are badass!

Posted by random olio

The statistics are overwhelming. Violence against women is horrifying. The number of rapes, sexual acts against women, and physical or domestic violence against women is beyond believable. Yet it happens every moment of every day.

Today I do not want to talk about the violence. I do not want to think about rape or hatred against women. I want to think about love. I want to think about all the men that adore their wives, girlfriends, and daughters. I want to think about the laughter, the joy, and of all the men that encourage the women in their lives to be their badass selves. Those are the men we need to champion. Those are the men that need to stand tall and be an example for violent men. You can be a man and love your woman. You can be a man and be head over heels for your woman. Love her. Cuddle her. Allow her badass self to shine through and bless the world.

I am one of those women. My man lets my badass self shine through. He lets me be ME. Even if I sometimes makes him blush by being myself. Even if I may embarrass him. I get to be me.

Today is International Women’s Day. To all men out there, let your women shine. Let them be free. Let them be their authentic selves. Cherish them. Love them. Pamper them. To all women out there. Shine. Be free. Pamper yourself. Pamper other women. Today is a day to hug, love, and appreciate womanhood.

This song was just released today. It is called: “One Woman.”

Proceeds of “One Woman” go to UN Women.

Here are more details on International Women’s Day.

Have you heard of “City Target?”

Posted by random olio

On Sunday we were driving in downtown Portland and I saw a sign for a “City Target.” Have you heard of them? Upon researching further, it looks like there are City Targets in Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle, that opened in 2012. The store in Portland is set to open in July 2013. At the moment the windows are wrapped with “City” and the Target bullseye logo.

I know many people have mixed opinions when big box stores come into urban areas (even if it is with a smaller footprint). I am not a huge fan of Walmart, so I am part of that mixed bag of differing ideas. I do, however, have a spot in my heart for Target. Maybe it was because I grew up going to Target. I try not to go often because it is too easy for me to leave with too many items. Their specifically designed furniture, housewares, and sometimes even clothes are more my taste than a comparable item at Walmart.

I do not live in downtown Portland, so going to City Target will not be a big deal to me, but when I lived near downtown Portland, I would have been thrilled to see it open up. It means for so many that they do not have to find transportation, use their gas and drive out to the suburbs just to stock up on items. Take a peek online and see if one is opening up in your area.

#excitedforurbanPDXers

What it must have been like for my Dad

Posted by random olio

I was reading a book recently, where the character reminded me of my dad.

After my parents got divorced my dad moved from a bad house to an even worse house. At one time he was even living in a barn. I saw his space. He slept on a cot, and had his clothes in milk crates. There was another place that he would never take me too. I never understood why. Now looking back I see it was his pride. In many ways I am glad he never showed me. I am a visual person and it would be imprinted in my thoughts. I still remember how strange it was to see my dad inside the barn stall. His friend let him stay there when he had no where else to go.

dad’s home away from home

At the time he lived in Indiana, and it was the early 90’s. I cannot imagine rent was that expensive, and yet he did not have the money. I remember one house he lived in, had mice. Yes, many homes have mice, but these you would hear crawling through the walls, and they loved the kitchen. You would find their droppings in cupboards, on the counter, and on the floor. I am sure my dad hated it, but many times he did not have a choice. I know what he would tell me today. He would say: “I have a roof over my head, and food on the table and that is all that matters.”

As I type this I am crying. I wish he had a better life. If he were still alive today, maybe he would have figured some things out and found that house that he could call a home, with no mice, windows that let in the light, a dresser for his clothes, and a place to park his beloved truck. I wish I had understood back then how hard it must have been for him. To have to leave the home you have, walk away from seeing your family each night, and start out new. I wish his life had been different. I will never know what his life might have turned out like, but I can keep living and working to make mine better.

Love you, Dad.