Do we have to be perfect?

Posted by random olio

I have always thought of myself as “Type-A” or a perfectionist. Some words I have used to describe myself have been: anal, particular, and needing to have things a certain way. To a point, these words do describe me. However, I am not neurotic about it. I just want things to go well. I want to do my best. I want things to look good, and happen as planned. Is that so bad?

So when I read the section on perfection in “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brene Brown (the book which I blogged about last week). I was in awe. I was wowed. It shifted me to have an ah-ha moment and look at myself differently. All of these years I have thought of myself as a perfectionist, and yet all I have ever really wanted is to have excellence shine through. Anything my name was attached to, well I wanted it to be good. Wikipedia states that perfectionism is: “striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.” After reading that description and Brown’s book, I realize I am not that into being perfect. Which is why I love this specific line from Brown’s book:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence.” Page 128

I feel as though a boulder has been thrown off. It makes me not feel so nit picky about myself. If I try hard, do my best, and the outcome is good, then that is my own excellence. I have never wanted it to be flawless, as that is too picky to me. Besides, we learn more from making mistakes. Perfection is not everything.

How have I lived this long and just now learned this about myself? What a revelation! Does Brown’s quote resonate with you?

A little burgundy, a lot of voting…

Posted by random olio

Unlike Ron Burgundy aka Will Ferrell (see below video), I will not do anything for you so you will go and vote. Why? Because you should go vote because it is a freedom and privilege. (Sorry in advance for those of you that are not in the United States. This is an important and timely topic in the US.)

As many of you may know, I do not like writing about politics. I dislike the separation it causes among friends and family. So I usually keep my mouth shut. However, there is one thing I cannot stay quiet about: voting. You MUST vote on Tuesday. No matter what your political party, or who you are going to vote for (although I do have an opinion on who you should vote for – I will keep that to myself). Today I just want to emphatically ask you to go and vote. Speak up, and cast your vote. And now a message from Will Ferrell himself:

A little comedy goes a long way. What I love about his video is that his message is mostly (until the last few seconds) just about going and voting. There are still countries where both men and women are not allowed to vote. Think of voting as speaking your mind and sharing your voice. We have the freedom to vote that others in the world do not have. So, we should all take advantage of our right to vote. We should not take it for granted. We should use this right to make a difference.

If you do not vote, you cannot be upset anytime in the next four years if you do not like the outcome. You cannot have an opinion about the direction of education, taxes, our economy, etc. if you do not go and VOTE.

Please, please, please go and cast your ballot on Tuesday!

“Does your face light up?”

Posted by random olio

I recently read a book called: “You Can Be Right [or You Can Be Married]” by Dana Adam Shapiro. While the book has more to do with marriage (which I might tell you about in a future post), the following quote is what inspired me today as I think about all the precious little munchkins that came by my house in their costumes last night. It makes me think about all the times my parent’s face did or did not light up when I came into a room.

“Ms. Morrison explained that it’s interesting to watch what happens when a child walks into a room. She asked, “Does your face light up?” She explained, “When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up…You think your affections and your deep love is on display because you’re caring for them. It’s not. When they see you, they see the critical face. What’s wrong now? Her advice was simple, but paradigm-shifting for me. She said, “Let your face speak what’s in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I’m glad to see them. It’s just as small as that, you see?” page 223

Aww…this almost brings tears to my eyes. I can feel the tears there, just waiting. This is such a great reminder of how we need to be present and aware of how we come across to little bambinos. Having said all that, I think this still applies to adults too. What if our face lit up when we saw our spouses, family, and co-workers walk into a room. How would it feel if others reacted in that way towards us? Would we feel more loved and connected to others if we saw them light up when we arrived?

I thought about this yesterday when I answered the doorbell for those costumed munchkins. I knelt down with my bowl of candy and talked to them at their level. I looked at them face-to-face. I saw their excitement and energy for Halloween. I was inspired by their exuberance. That is my challenge to myself, to approach the munchkins and bambinos I encounter with the light in my eyes, and my heart on my face. I will let that all speak for itself.

Are you with me!?

On Vulnerability and “Daring Greatly”

Posted by random olio

I have found my favorite book of 2012. It is called: “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brene Brown. I cannot stop thinking about the ideas in this book. It is a must read book. It was just published in September, so it is hot off the shelf.

Brown talks a lot in her book about feeling loved, vulnerability, connection, combating shame, and perfectionism. Each are important ideas with a lot of depth for discussion. I first got pulled into her book with her analysis about vulnerability. Here is one quote on the topic:

“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing gives purpose and meaning to living.” Page 33

Vulnerability seems to be a term we do not hear as much about, so I was happily surprised when I heard about Brown’s book. Based on her above idea, why would we not want to be fully vulnerable? I guess first you have to want to feel. If you do not want to feel, then keep your vulnerability at bay. Most of the time I think we just do not want to get hurt, so we keep our thoughts and feelings inside. Other times I think we might be slightly ashamed or insecure about what others might think about our ideas.

What if we had no sensors at all, and always said exactly what is on our mind? That is how I am with many situations. I wear my heart on my sleeve and 95% of the time say exactly what is on my mind without censoring myself. Does that get me in trouble? Yes. Do I like being completely transparent? Yes. Does it feel liberating? Yes. What would the world look like if we all actually said what is on our minds at all times?

I will most likely have to publish another post on this book, as there are just too many nuggets I want to share.

What do you think about vulnerability? What is your favorite book of 2012?

Who will you pretend to be today?

Posted by random olio

Ah, the fun of Halloween. You get to dress up and be someone else for the day. The leaves are falling off the trees, the ground is covered in the colorful array of leaves. Homes are decorated with lights, jack-o-lanterns, ghosts, and goblins. It is really the beginning of the holiday season of festivities. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. (Yes, I left out Black Friday, that is not a holiday, but like Halloween it can be just as scary).

It is good to have a day where we can pretend to be someone else. Often we work so hard just trying to be ourselves, that even adults can even get excited to get to play dress up once in a while. We even like to be creative and carve our own jack-o-lanterns. I love this photo of me watching our finished pumpkins turned jack-o-lanterns.

my excitement over jack-o-lanterns

(Be sure to note the pea colored refrigerator and I can assure you that while you cannot see it, there is wood paneling behind me. You can also see the head of the baby doll I am holding). Cutting pumpkins to me was like dying easter eggs, a process, but one of tradition around a certain day of the year. I was always in awe.

We would decide which pumpkin to carve, then draw on the design we were going to cut out, then the messy part of clearing out the guts and goop inside. Once it was cleaned out then it was time to carve. I have never been quite proficient with a sharp knife (Chris can attest to that). So I am not sure my creations were always superb, as artistic as I may have been, my lack of knife skills = poor pumpkin carving. Then adding the candle and putting the lid on top.

I cannot remember that much about the costumes I selected, although I do know one year I was a clown. We always had homemade costumes. What I remember most, and who knows why, was this one house in my neighborhood. I can remember the name of the family, and that they had a courtyard at the front of their house. They outfitted it with spooky music, Halloween lights and decorations, and would have people hiding in the bushes. You never knew what would happen from year to year, and it was always dark out. My memory of it was that it was the scariest house on Halloween. The fact that I can still picture it tells me that they designed it well. I was always impressed with myself if I could make it through the squeaky gate, down the courtyard path to the front door. Then if I made it that far and actually attained the candy then I knew I was brave that year. Candy at scary neighborhood house = I could conquer any fear.

I am hoping to make it home in time for the trick-or-treaters this year. It will be the first time as an adult that I am in a neighborhood that has kids to come door-to-door. Can you tell I am giddy about it?

Trick or treat!