Santa

Yes, it brought tears to my eyes. And, yes, I have mentioned before that I do not cry often, but sometimes the little things bring tears to my eyes. It is usually when I am moved by something unusual. I do not often think about regrets from my life, but there is one thing that I think about usually every Christmas. It is a random item, but it is something I wish I still had. Each year around Christmas we would make different Christmas cookies and treats to have leading up to Christmas Day. Some we would give to other friends and families as gifts and some were for us. Whatever was still left on Christmas Eve I would leave out for Santa with a glass of egg nog and write him a letter.

While I cannot remember how old I was, or when it happened, eventually I knew that my dad ate the cookies and drank the egg nog. See, my dad had atrocious handwriting. Which is why I did not have to be Encyclopedia Brown to figure out it was him. You are probably wondering where I am going with this story. Well, the few years after my mom passed on, my dad was going through some rough times and we were not in close touch. While going through my mom’s things and knowing we had to get rid of as much as possible or pay to store it, I got rid of those letters. Partly because of space and partly because my dad and I were not so close at the time.

Throughout high school and college, and when I was away during summers I never got letters from my dad. These letters from Santa could potentially tell me a bit about my dad and what ideals, inspiration, and thoughts he wanted to share with me through the voice of Santa. They are gone. So when I saw this video for Extra gum, the tears came to my eyes. The gum wrapper origami birds would have been my letters from Santa.

Any tears? If so, call your dad, or your mom, or whoever you thought about while watching. That very person who made you feel loved.

Why, oh, why does hearing a good rendition of Silent Night make me cry? I am not one to cry too often. Yes, sometimes a television show or a movie will bring tears to my eyes, sometimes music does too. It is rare though. It is usually when the emotion felt moves me or gives me goose bumps, and the water flows to my eyes.

The emotion I feel is often the memories that fill my thoughts. Even as I write this the salt water is filling my eyes. I think of many Christmas Eve nights when we would go to a local church as a family. When I say as a family, it means my father joined us. Christmas Eve was really the only time of year we all went to church together. It was not our regular church, just one that we knew had a Christmas Eve service. It was a different type of evening. We got dressed up and my father was at his best. He loved Christmas. It brought out the best in him. The Christmas music, the lights, the tree and decorations. Lastly, the Santas. He had a thing for different types of Santa decorations (and I have to say some of them freaked me out). Maybe a better term for some of them was Father Christmas.

I never liked Santa…

In any case, whenever, we would sing Silent Night during the Christmas Eve service I would look up and there would be tears in my dad’s eyes. I never felt brave enough to ask him what his tears meant to him, but somehow I have inherited this same trait from him. For some reason, Silent Night reminds me of the Christmas Eve service, writing my letter to Santa, leaving him cookies and egg nog, and knowing that my dad would be writing a note back to me. It was part of the story, part of our tradition, it made life feel more normal. Even if we did not often have many gifts under the tree (one year I remember getting only a picture frame), somehow the service, letter, and egg nog/cookies made it all feel more normal.

Why is it that the holiday music we only hear for a few weeks a year pulls such strings in our hearts, and unravels memories that go so deep? Is there holiday music that brings the wave of salt water to your eyes?

Oh, and that picture above, it is one of a few. I guess Santa freaked me out.