Do we have to be perfect?

Posted by random olio

I have always thought of myself as “Type-A” or a perfectionist. Some words I have used to describe myself have been: anal, particular, and needing to have things a certain way. To a point, these words do describe me. However, I am not neurotic about it. I just want things to go well. I want to do my best. I want things to look good, and happen as planned. Is that so bad?

So when I read the section on perfection in “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brene Brown (the book which I blogged about last week). I was in awe. I was wowed. It shifted me to have an ah-ha moment and look at myself differently. All of these years I have thought of myself as a perfectionist, and yet all I have ever really wanted is to have excellence shine through. Anything my name was attached to, well I wanted it to be good. Wikipedia states that perfectionism is: “striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards, accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.” After reading that description and Brown’s book, I realize I am not that into being perfect. Which is why I love this specific line from Brown’s book:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence.” Page 128

I feel as though a boulder has been thrown off. It makes me not feel so nit picky about myself. If I try hard, do my best, and the outcome is good, then that is my own excellence. I have never wanted it to be flawless, as that is too picky to me. Besides, we learn more from making mistakes. Perfection is not everything.

How have I lived this long and just now learned this about myself? What a revelation! Does Brown’s quote resonate with you?

On Vulnerability and “Daring Greatly”

Posted by random olio

I have found my favorite book of 2012. It is called: “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brene Brown. I cannot stop thinking about the ideas in this book. It is a must read book. It was just published in September, so it is hot off the shelf.

Brown talks a lot in her book about feeling loved, vulnerability, connection, combating shame, and perfectionism. Each are important ideas with a lot of depth for discussion. I first got pulled into her book with her analysis about vulnerability. Here is one quote on the topic:

“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing gives purpose and meaning to living.” Page 33

Vulnerability seems to be a term we do not hear as much about, so I was happily surprised when I heard about Brown’s book. Based on her above idea, why would we not want to be fully vulnerable? I guess first you have to want to feel. If you do not want to feel, then keep your vulnerability at bay. Most of the time I think we just do not want to get hurt, so we keep our thoughts and feelings inside. Other times I think we might be slightly ashamed or insecure about what others might think about our ideas.

What if we had no sensors at all, and always said exactly what is on our mind? That is how I am with many situations. I wear my heart on my sleeve and 95% of the time say exactly what is on my mind without censoring myself. Does that get me in trouble? Yes. Do I like being completely transparent? Yes. Does it feel liberating? Yes. What would the world look like if we all actually said what is on our minds at all times?

I will most likely have to publish another post on this book, as there are just too many nuggets I want to share.

What do you think about vulnerability? What is your favorite book of 2012?

Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert?

Posted by random olio

Are you and Introvert or an Extrovert? I just finished reading the book: “Quiet: The Power of Introverts” by Susan Cain. It is funny, I always sort of thought of myself as an extrovert, but after reading Cain’s book I think I lean more towards being an introvert, and at times am more of what she calls an “Ambivert.” An ambivert is someone who is in the middle between an introvert and an extrovert. After finishing her book, it makes me more “okay” with being an introvert. She talks throughout her book about how our society, schools, and companies award extroverts, and yet there is just as much of a need for introverts. I think it is the first book I read that truly made me feel that it is okay to be an introvert. Here is a short excerpt from Cain’s book:

“Finding restorative niches isn’t always easy. You might want to read quietly by the fire on Saturday nights, but if your spouse wishes you’d spend those evenings out with her large circle of friends, then what? You might want to retreat to the oasis of your private office in between sales calls, but what if your company just switched over to an open office plan? If you plan to exercise free traits, you’ll need the help of friends, family, and colleagues. Which is why Professor Little calls, with great passion, for each of us to enter into a ‘a Free Trait Agreement.’

…A Free Trait Agreement acknowledges that we’ll each act out of character some of the time—in exchange for being ourselves the rest of the time. It’s a Free Trait Agreement when a wife who wants to go out every Saturday night and a husband wants to relax by the fire work out a schedule: half the time we’ll go out and half the time we’ll stay home. It’s a Free Trait Agreement when you attend your extroverted best friend’s wedding shower, engagement celebration, and bachelorette party, but she understands when you skip out on the three days’ worth of group activities leading up to the wedding itself.” Page 220-221

This resonates with me because as a child, I preferred to stay home and read a book (and I still do). Yes, I liked riding my bikes and hanging with my friends, but at the end of the day I hated the annoying social ladder of who was mad at who, who was new friends with who, and who was now on the outskirts of the social circle. It always seemed easier to me to find my book and jump into the adventurous world the author had cleverly crafted for me. I learned through the characters. I got excited about their worlds, mysteries, and dramas. It meant I could create my own world, where there were no bullies, no comparisons, and no race to maintain my status in the world.

Today, there are times when I do not feel much different than I did as a kid. I have often asked Chris, “Have I become a boring adult?” Yet, I love my life. I enjoy snuggling on the couch reading a book, while Chris is next to me watching an action movie I have no interest in seeing. I like the time to myself when I go for a run. I enjoy being at home. I do not need many social engagements to feel better about myself. If anything, I prefer less social interactions all the time. After a full week of work, I just want to relax and decompress at home, and be with Chris. I guess that makes me mostly an introvert.

So are you an introvert or an extrovert? Read Cain’s book for more details!

Do You “Steal Like An Artist”?

Posted by random olio

A colleague at work told me about the book: “Steal Like An Artist” by Austin Kleon. I read it a few weeks ago. It is such a great book. It reads a bit like a Hugh MacLeod book (see gapingvoid.com). There are so many inspiring ideas in this quick read. You can easily read it in an afternoon.

Ever since I read it, the idea of “Steal Like An Artist” has come up often in the last few weeks. Leveraging ideas that have already been put forth, but altering or updating for a specific audience. For example, infographics are all over the Internet. Many companies and individuals use the “infographic” idea and repurpose them for the needs of their audience. Infographics are a compelling way to break down a story and show a visual image of the data and details in a consumable way. Does that mean that we are plagiarizing or stealing the idea? No, it means that a good idea can be transferred, altered, and made better with each use.

An example Kleon shares is with art and painting. When we are young and are taught how to paint, we look at the great painters, Pollock, Klee, Picasso, etc. We look at their form, color, and technique. We make our own paintings by trying out what these famous painters did. We find our own technique and skill. We might not have ever learned to paint without stealing from these artists. Kleon goes on to clarify that there is a difference between taking a poem word for word, which is plagiarizing, and using a poem to inspire one of your own.

my most recent “almost finished” painting

Above is one of my recent paintings. I cannot decide if I am done with it or not. I have loved learning from artists that have come before me. “Steal Like An Artist” is a definite must read!

Six Degrees or Six Pixels of Separation?

Posted by random olio

I had checked out “Six Pixels of Separation: Everyone Is Connected. Connect Your Business to Everyone” by Mitch Joel at the library numerous times and had never opened the cover. I either had to return it because someone else was next on the list, or I had renewed it so many times I had to return it and re-check it out. Finally last week I read it. After getting into it, I realized I was reading it at the perfect time. Had I actually opened the cover before last week I am not sure I would have finished reading it. It is not that it is a boring book, more that the subject matter has a specific audience. The message has an impact to a project I am working on at the moment, and I probably would not have related to the message the author shares if I was not working on this project! It is always interesting to me the timing of things in our lives.

The premise of Joel’s book is that due to the Internet, we are no longer separated (think Kevin Bacon and six degrees of separation). He talks throughout the book about how to interact, engage, and ask questions online. He shares very helpful ideas. In the end I realized how we are all in differing degrees cyber stalkers. We view and watch online much more often than we participate. Such as this fact from Six Pixels:

“Only about 2 percent of all people online actually comment. The question really needs to be provocative enough to spark them to take action. Asking questions also keeps your content alive for a longer period of time.” Page 174

I think that is fascinating. Only 2 percent. So that means that the other 98% of online users are stalking content. What will it take to raise that 2% to 5%? Create more compelling content? Ask more questions? Create a forum for conversation?

I have my own reasons for not always commenting or participating. Sometimes it is time. I might quickly be checking into Facebook or Twitter to read updates, but do not have time to respond. Or I might not be interested in the topic or community and decide not to share my thoughts. Often, though if I have the time or energy, I will contribute, respond, like, share, etc. When I see a picture or an article, I comment if there is something I want to share. This means I am at times part of the 2% and at times part of the 98%.

Why do you choose to contribute online? Or what makes you stay in the 98%?