Family

What if you became invisible?

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I am not going to lie, I shed a tear. Well a few throughout this video. It hits your emotional core. It makes you think what if that were me? Well at least that is what I thought. See I remember a time as a kid when we almost became homeless. My mom was sick and did not have a job, our house was foreclosed on, and we did not know what would happen next. In the end we never lived on the streets, or in a homeless shelter. My sister stayed with a family friend, my mom went into a nursing home, and I stayed with my grandma. So we were split up, but we had a place to live. I am saying all this because I should have compassion for the homeless, and yet I walk on by like many do.

Which maybe is why this video had such an emotional twist for me. It is a video I found on Fast Company about how we usually walk by the homeless. I have to admit with the magnitude of homeless individuals we have in Portland it is easy to walk by without noticing. Maybe it is because you never know if you can trust whether or not the panhandling is legitimate or not. This video, however, makes you look at it in a different way.

First, a bit of context. The New York City Recuse Mission set out to show folks the invisibility of homeless in New York. They approached a few individuals to pose as homeless people and then had them on the street as their family walked down that same street. Their family each walked by without recognizing them. It was all caught on video, and the family was later shown how they walk right past their loved ones. It is all part of their campaign: “Have the Homeless Become Invisible?” I love the idea. I could use my own waking up on interacting with the homeless in Portland.

What did you think? Any change of thought? A bit of a mind shift? What if that was you?

Do what you love.

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It always brings a smile to my face when someone is doing something they love. It is different for everyone. Someone I work with loves to cook, and you see a smile spread across their face as they describe their art in the kitchen. Someone else, might love to go for a run each day, it clears their head and grounds them. For another it might be getting dirt under their fingernails in their garden, or curling up in the bath or bed with a good book. 

We are not moving but Chris still loves checking out the new houses that are on the market. Redfin is one of the websites he frequents. Sometimes it is to find out that another home that is smaller and older is selling for more than we purchased ours for, meaning good news to our property values. Other times he finds an idea we can use for our house, by exploring the photos from a house that is for sale. It could be the way someone has landscaped their yard, or decorated a room, or the finishing touches with paint or fixtures that gets him inspired. I love his excitement and interest, especially when we have decided we are not moving for a long time. 

We all have things we love, and some are out in the open and some might be secret. I cleared it with Chris so he is okay that I have shared his Redfin addiction. I have a list of things (outside of work of course) that I love. A good hard run (with a good book), a good cup of coffee (with a good book), exploring new places and the trickle effect of new inspiration that is the result of new ideas. So many things that I love. Being there for a good friend, breakthrough moments, amazing food that is good for you (versus crap food that is bad for you). Snuggles in a bed that you never want to leave.

Chris has other things he loves, but I often see a grin form on his face and a “Hey, I want to show you this house.” We geek out, we think about house prices, and we explore how a cool room could transpose in our place. House nerds? Maybe. But, we love it. Chris is a foodie, a design buff, and is looking at the latest growler, the newest Kickstarter hip campaign, or the latest “Uncrate” find. We like new things, we love amazing food, and we always want to try something different (well most of the time).

What are those normal, or maybe strange things you do, that make you happy each day?

Softness

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Softness. It is a word I have not thought about extensively. Growing up I saw my mom as the quieter type, my dad often rolled right over her, I am not sure he listened to her. In college I eventually found my voice, and then I resolved to make sure my voice stayed strong. I never wanted to be walked all over. However, recently I have been thinking about taking a step away from that strong voice. Not that I will lose the strength, but that I will be more aware of the volume, and the frequency.

I often think that thoughts and ideas come to us when we are ready to hear them. I am gradually (while reading other books) getting near the end of Kristin Armstrong’s “Work in Progress,” which I wrote about in the blog post: “The grace that grounded me.” I came across this quote on softness. It was an aha moment for me.

“Softness is sweeter and more direct route to resolution, every time. Please note that by softness I do not mean wimpiness. Softness is not some puny form of compliance. It is speaking your truth without malice or apology. It is staking a claim without fanfare or unnecessary noise. It gets the job done with elegance.” page 50-51

How many times have you been on the phone with your insurance company, or bank and are so incredibly frustrated that you get nasty? I am definitely one to raise my hand here. Chris is such a great example to me of what I would call a quiet strength. He is not rude or wimpy, but he is gentle and kind with those that he interacts with in these situations. I lose my patience easily and get frustrated. Take just yesterday, I had to call my insurance company back. I had spoken to them on March 31, and their fix to my claim was supposed to take 5-7 days, and then they were going to call me back. It has been 21 days and still no resolution. The response I received when I called is that my claim is getting reprocessed and it will take another 5-10 days for one aspect and then another 10 days for a different part. Seriously? So I think it should be resolved by the middle of May. As annoyed as I was I chose softness. I was kind and not frustrated with the customer service representative. Although I did tell her I did not have much confidence in hearing from them since I did not receive any communication in the first 5-7 days like I was originally told.

Why am I sharing this with you? I took the route of softness. I did not get nasty with them. I have a short amount of patience with companies that say they will do one thing and do not follow through with their promise. Additionally I have a small amount of patience for individuals that say they will do one thing and then do not do it. And, at the end of the day, it is not the fault of the customer service representative that I spoke with that her company has such extensive processing times. Why ruin her day?

I know there are other areas of my life where I could be softer. Firm, yes. Strong, yes. Yet, still bring softness to the situation. So often frustration gets in the way and our words are lost amidst anger and impatience. What if we lead with a softer side? I am going to try to focus more on flexing my softer side.

Let’s make softness cool again.

Get off the ferris wheel?

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The common theme for me recently has been: work/life balance. Chris of course has been my strongest advocate for more balance. Work less, play more. Co-workers, and friends at work, friends outside of work, and family have all encouraged me to take a stand for more balance in my life. It has been something I have struggled with ever since I started my professional life. Yes, there have been ebbs and flows. Times when more is asked of you, and others when you are bored at your job. I always found a way to cope with work boredom – I started my own business. Somehow it was ingrained in me at an early age, work hard, play later.

We are often a product of our childhoods. Sometimes that means we are in a vicious cycle of not repeating the mistakes of our parents and yet we can never seem to get off the ferris wheel. Somehow we are always stuck on the top and never get to get off the ride. I have very vivid visuals of my childhood. There were many opportunities I missed out on because we either could not afford it, did not have the transportation to be able to participate, or had so much responsibility to take care of others in my family, that often there was not time for play. At times I wonder if I worked so hard to never replicate my experience, that I forget that my life is now so far removed from my childhood. So how does someone who grew up in that environment get off that ferris wheel?

Chris and I have talked about this on numerous occasions. He often reminds me that together we have carved out a life that we have made our own. We have been meticulous about our finances, discussed our decisions and choices extensively, and feel confident that we are going down the right path. We have full control on when the ferris wheel stops, but somehow the momentum of all the different responsibilities we have, makes it somehow feel like everything is going so fast it feels nearly impossible to stop, get out, and maybe find another ride.

We tease each other (and maybe at times are more serious than others) that having a kid means getting on an entirely new ride. Maybe babies are not allowed on ferris wheels, and by making the choice to get off and start a family, we forfeit the ability to get back on. Is that true, or is that new ride, even more exhausting (yet maybe more fun and exhilarating)? I am a fan of roller coasters, so maybe starting a family is like that. A long wait, big thrill and then start all over again (just kidding). I think I am getting carried away with the theme park analogies today.

How do you get off that ferris wheel, daily, weekly, monthly? How do you walk away, yet stay connected to what is important? I am all ears for how you maintain that work/life balance. Would love to hear your inspiration, challenges, and ideas!

 

Co-Pilots, Co-Parents, Co…

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I have been thinking a lot lately about the term: “co-pilot.” It is applicable to so many parts of our life. Our spouse or partner is our co-pilot, whether that means in how you parent, deal with your family, or even how you support each other. Using the term co-pilot is not meant to confuse you. In flight terms the co-pilot is second in command to the pilot. Remove that notion from your thought right now, and think of co-pilot as it is defined. “Co” meaning joint or mutually. Are you with me so far?

Think of it in the realm of parenting. If one parent is always the pushover and the other is always the firm one it can cause issues with the kids (not that I have kids and truly can speak to it but just stay with me for a second or two). Going back to pilots. In order for those pilots to fly that plane (all modern conveniences aside) is that they have to be mutually connected to the task at hand. They have to know what the other is responsible for during the flight, so that they do not override each other and potentially create turmoil for their passengers. Just like if parents communicate and are on the same page, it creates a much clearer message for children to follow. Still with me?

It also translates to a work environment. Many individuals have to share a role with a peer, or co-lead a team. In order for that team to run smoothly they need to communicate clearly with each other, make sure they are on the same page, ensure there is clarity of roles, and then execute based on what is mutually agreed upon. If one individual does not communicate with the other, it can lead to resentment, frustration, and have a trickle down effect to the rest of the team. The same goes for marriage: clear communication, clarity of roles, and follow through with what was agreed upon. Quite simple right?

See how many areas of our lives we have to share responsibilities and be very clear on what end result we are driving towards? Yes, I am making it simple, and it actuality is an intricate web of personal dynamics, differences of opinion, and emotions that can lead to a multitude of responses and outcomes. Yet, if we just go back to the idea of “co” and make sure that we are making choices that are mutual, joint, and inclusive we might begin to weave a cohesive, strong, and unflappable thread in our marriage, family, and work environments.

Start with “co.”