Curveballs and water heaters

Posted by random olio

It has felt like a rough few weeks. A few days ago our water heater burst in our basement, ruining the floor, baseboards and some of the walls, and they found asbestos. Luckily we were home and not traveling, as the water heater was continuously refilling and emptying, it started in the middle of the night and we found it the next morning. We took this week off to recharge a bit, so starting Sunday morning using the wet vac to suck out the water, call plumbers for new water heaters, and the insurance company was not how I wanted to start a week of vacation. Additionally, most of Nico’s toys are downstairs and it is where we spend the most time with him.

I am not going to lie. I’ve been extremely frustrated and short. I had a plan for how we were going to spend the week. Day dates with Chris, sleeping in as much as Nico would let us, and definitely not waiting for contractors to come or sitting on the phone to find out the insurance process is extremely slow and frustrating.

And then…we take a moment and realize that the insurance company is slow and frustrating because they have been on the phone with families in California who have lost their homes. My heart goes out to those that have lost their homes and it is a startling reminder that the flooding in our basement while annoying and disruptive is not nearly as big of a deal when I think of all the families that may not have a home. Interesting how quickly things can be put in perspective.

A few weeks ago a good friend was attacked in the face by a stranger and may need to undergo reconstructive surgery to his face. It took me almost a week to process that this happened. My friend is extremely fit and definitely capable of taking care of himself and hearing about the experience made me realize how vulnerable we all are – which can be scary. As a woman I am always aware of when I am safe or not, and when I am alone at night how freaky it can be. To learn that someone I care about was hurt, and probably did not have a moment to react, makes me fearful, but also aware that we never really know what is going to happen next. If we live in fear then we are never really living. A group of friends that love him started this Go Fund Me to raise money for his recovery. Feel free to contribute if your heart desires. He is one of the really good ones, and always takes care of others.

Like I said it has been a rough few weeks (other things in addition to the water heater and my friend) but I will not bore you with the details. Instead I am hopeful that I am reminding you to look up and squeeze the hand of someone you love, give them a hug, tell your kid how much you appreciate and love them, or maybe it is a coworker that could use a little lift. We always have more than we realize even when the world throws curveballs our way. Just take a moment to see and be grateful for the little things even when they may be hardest to see.

Mechanics vs. doctors

Posted by random olio

A group of neighbors got together over the weekend and while a few of us were talking the topic of mechanics and doctors came up and I had an aha moment over something one individual said. We were discussing a plethora of topics, but this one comparing mechanics to doctors was so spot on.

Think about this. You take your car in to get fixed, whether for its regular tune up or because you heard an odd sound. They take some time to explore the issue, and then before they do any work they let you know what the issue is, what they will have to do (if it ever makes any sense) and how much it is going to cost. You know right then your doom. Do you walk away with the cost of an oil change, or is time to get a new car? You might need new brakes, a new engine, or some other strange part you have never heard of.

Juxtaposition that with going to the doctor. You go to the doctor for a check-up or because something specific is bothering you. They tell you they need to run a bunch of tests. You wait for the results (days) and you then wait much longer (often weeks to months) to find out how much it is truly going to cost you. Even with good insurance you often do not know how much the different tests will cost you. Additionally, it depends on who does the tests. I have found that some places charge vastly different amounts for the exact same test. I guess a mechanic is similar in that different mechanics can charge different amounts for the same work. However, if all the doctor or lab is doing is taking our blood, and testing it how can there be such a vast different in cost? A lot of the costs have to do with what your insurance company will pay, what your specific plan covers, or if you hit your deductible.

How is it that you can get your car diagnosed and you can get the price, but you cannot get the price for what it might take to fix you? There should be more transparency of costs. Sort of like when you go to a restaurant and they show the calorie and fat content, the cost details for tests and doctor visits should be available to patients.

Would a change in this process start with doctor’s offices or with the insurance companies? What do you think?

Softness

Posted by random olio

Softness. It is a word I have not thought about extensively. Growing up I saw my mom as the quieter type, my dad often rolled right over her, I am not sure he listened to her. In college I eventually found my voice, and then I resolved to make sure my voice stayed strong. I never wanted to be walked all over. However, recently I have been thinking about taking a step away from that strong voice. Not that I will lose the strength, but that I will be more aware of the volume, and the frequency.

I often think that thoughts and ideas come to us when we are ready to hear them. I am gradually (while reading other books) getting near the end of Kristin Armstrong’s “Work in Progress,” which I wrote about in the blog post: “The grace that grounded me.” I came across this quote on softness. It was an aha moment for me.

“Softness is sweeter and more direct route to resolution, every time. Please note that by softness I do not mean wimpiness. Softness is not some puny form of compliance. It is speaking your truth without malice or apology. It is staking a claim without fanfare or unnecessary noise. It gets the job done with elegance.” page 50-51

How many times have you been on the phone with your insurance company, or bank and are so incredibly frustrated that you get nasty? I am definitely one to raise my hand here. Chris is such a great example to me of what I would call a quiet strength. He is not rude or wimpy, but he is gentle and kind with those that he interacts with in these situations. I lose my patience easily and get frustrated. Take just yesterday, I had to call my insurance company back. I had spoken to them on March 31, and their fix to my claim was supposed to take 5-7 days, and then they were going to call me back. It has been 21 days and still no resolution. The response I received when I called is that my claim is getting reprocessed and it will take another 5-10 days for one aspect and then another 10 days for a different part. Seriously? So I think it should be resolved by the middle of May. As annoyed as I was I chose softness. I was kind and not frustrated with the customer service representative. Although I did tell her I did not have much confidence in hearing from them since I did not receive any communication in the first 5-7 days like I was originally told.

Why am I sharing this with you? I took the route of softness. I did not get nasty with them. I have a short amount of patience with companies that say they will do one thing and do not follow through with their promise. Additionally I have a small amount of patience for individuals that say they will do one thing and then do not do it. And, at the end of the day, it is not the fault of the customer service representative that I spoke with that her company has such extensive processing times. Why ruin her day?

I know there are other areas of my life where I could be softer. Firm, yes. Strong, yes. Yet, still bring softness to the situation. So often frustration gets in the way and our words are lost amidst anger and impatience. What if we lead with a softer side? I am going to try to focus more on flexing my softer side.

Let’s make softness cool again.

Get Your Shit Together

Posted by random olio

I am impressed. Trust me, it takes a lot to impress me. I have found a website about money, insurance, living wills, and other life planning needs that I will be able to remember for many years to come. It has a ring to it, and if I am talking to a friend or colleague, I will not have to rack my brain to remember their URL. Ready for it?

getyourshittogether.org

Clever right? They focus on creating a will, a living will, setting up your insurance…the list goes on. The creator of the site, Chanel Reynolds, lost her husband last summer when he was hit while on a bike ride. She spent months recreating her financial life, then decided to start her website (which just went live this month) to help others get their shit together.

While no one in my family was hit by a bike, I can relate to Chanel because of my own life experiences, all of which have made me passionate about these issues. When both of my parents passed on (I was 16 and 21), they had no life insurance, no health insurance, no living will, or will. When my mom passed on I was 16, which means I was still a minor. At the time, if my father did not take custody of me there was a possibility that I would have been taken under the care of the state. Did my parents ever think or plan for such occurrence? Probably not. If they had then there would have been documentation of what would happen to me. I like to think they would have done the due diligence to make sure that was in place, but it was not. Not a fun way to mourn.

At each point in my life when my parents passed on, my siblings and I had to come up with money to pay for both of my parent’s funerals, as well as incur different expenses to travel to and from their respective homes (they were divorced by then) to deal with any remaining possessions, most of which went to Goodwill. Rather than have the opportunity to grieve, we had to act fast, plan the cheapest funeral, and go through their possessions as quickly as possible in order to not have to continue to pay their rent and other expenses.

A will, life insurance, and directions on what arrangements they wanted at their death would have helped my brother, sister, me to have the option to be present in losing our parents at such a young age. Instead we had to make difficult choices very quickly during highly emotional times. I do not want to put my future children in that situation. It is important to take the time to legally document your financial and legal choices for your affairs. Once you have it documented, take the time to discuss with the necessary individuals (whether your children or siblings, etc.) so they understand your wishes. I can tell you from experience if you do not have those conversations now, it can cause riffs in a family during an already emotionally charged time.

Due to the situation I was in, I strongly encourage anyone with kids to take the time and proper steps to “get your shit together.” Do it for your spouse. Do it for your kids. Do it for your parents. Yes, it is morbid to talk about the “what-ifs” if you were to die. It is not fun, but it is reality. Take the time to have the hard conversations with your spouse and get your shit together.