Family

Conversations Matter…

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Every day, every interaction is a story. Often the stories that unfold in front of our eyes, are not fun. There can be events and actions from others that transpire and make our story turn into a drama. Other days the story is a comedy and we laugh and have fun throughout the process. Regardless of the genre of our story, the key to it all is that we have control over how we act and react to the stories that fill our days.

I just finished reading the book: “Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillian, and Al Switzler. It is such a great book both for work and personal life. I took copious notes of ideas that I could use in a professional setting and at home. I am the first to admit that I am not always on my best behavior each and every day. Sometimes an individual’s comment spark the wrong bone in your body, and a reaction occurs. Another individual can make you feel angry, frustrated, hurt, even invisible. There could be a multitude of emotions. What I loved about this book is it helps you to take control of your emotions, be upfront, and not hide behind difficult conversations.

“If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations. They recognize that while it’s true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell—after all, we do make them up of our own accord—once they’re told, the stories control us. They first control how we feel and then how we act. Any as a result, they control the results we get from our crucial conversations.” Page 111

Where I sometimes struggle the most is how the story controls us. At times, the story of the day agonize us. We lose sleep, we go on and on about the drama to friends, family, or our spouse so they can feel our pain. Other times we might discuss the issue and talk it out as a resolution so that tomorrow we can rewrite our story. How then can we keep the conversation in our control? How can we ensure that the conversation (especially the bad ones) do not control us, make us unhappy, and mean that we lose sleep? We are all writers for our stories. We decide what will bug us, or get under our skin. We decide what controls us.

What will you decide about the stories you create today?

Share your hair?

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Emily is my new hero. At 3 she might still be too young to understand cancer, but she already understands what it means to help another individual. When she got her first haircut, she decided (after her parents explained what she could do with her hair) to donate her hair for wigs for those with cancer. Emily agreed to it, as long as her Uncle (a hair stylist) cut her Dolly’s hair first. I love this, I love her, I love listening to her talk. Her parents own FlyPress Films, and decided to film the entire process.

You will love her, her uncle, and her sweet voice as she tells you what she is doing. The background music is also perfect to get you in the mood and maybe, like me, leave little pools in your eyes.

Click here to read more of her story.

“Reach out and touch someone.”

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I was talking to a colleague yesterday about “Orange is the New Black.” I had mentioned that scenes from the series kept coming back to my mind. She asked if there was a reason why, and I relayed a few ideas. One being that I NEVER want to ever go to prison. While you might have a simple response: “well then do not do anything stupid, Tami.” Easier said then done. We live in a culture that sues. You piss someone off, they sue you, and sometimes the law is not alway on your side. Maybe I have watched too much of “The Good Wife” but I am not optimistic about our legal system, and I do believe that innocent people often end of in prison. Sad but true.

I digress. One of the things I mentioned about Orange is the New Black that got me thinking was about being touched. They only subtly show you this in the show, but I picked up on it immediately. Inmates are not allowed to touch each other. When the main character gets her hair cut and is getting her hair washed (not sure how many real prisons have hair salons) she groans. Having her head touched by someone else is just so foreign, yet matters so much to her. They are starved and crave the human touch.

Yet, as the thought continued to spin around in my head yesterday I realized we ALL crave physical touch. Whether it is a gentle hand on our arm telling us we are going to be fine, or a hug, or maybe just a pat on the back. Touch grounds up in ways that words sometimes cannot. We are reminded that we are all right. We can make it through today, and tomorrow. So when I saw this  Chevrolet commercial “Maddie” (ugh I know another car company ad), the impact of this girl and her dog I thought to add that it is the snuggle of your pet, their sloppy, wet kiss, and the lifetime of comfort when we need it most. A dog always knows.

So not to jump back to the early ’80s but “reach out and touch someone.” [old AT&T slogan]

Never Settle.

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I have VERY high expectations. I really do. Ask Chris any day and he will vigorously shake his head and potentially roll his eyes. I want things to be good, well not good, but great, amazing, superb, and I will not settle for less. I will do whatever I can to make things happen. I have often wondered what made me cultivate such high expectations? I think some folks desire amazing cars, or worldly adventurous experiences. I just expect the best out of everyone I meet. So? What is wrong with that?

I am in the middle of reading: “Coming Clean” by Kimberly Rae Miller. It is about her life growing up with hoarder parents. A fascinating read and compelling memoir as it makes me think about strange happenings with families. While my parents were definitely not hoarders, my dad kept a lot of junk and I think that has evolved to why I am such a minimalist today. I just do not like to live around stuff, I want my surroundings to be about what is necessary, and what helps me thrive in my space. I wonder if my minimalist nature was living around meaningless “stuff” that just filled empty space? Is that what motivates hoarders, a way to fill a void? I do not know, but this section of her book about never settling resonated with me:

“I had taken the promise I made my mother seriously, making a mantra out of never settle, repeating the two words in my head over and over again when I wasn’t sure whether to do the smart thing or the scary thing. Never settle echoed on and on in my head during the days I was locked in a closet sorting headshots, a requirement of my internship at the agency.” page 129

I wholeheartedly agree with Miller. I never want to settle, instead of being resistant to change, I am resistant to settling. I will go at a problem from hundreds of ways before I will give up or settle. Ultimately if I settle it is because I really do not care about the outcome. Sort of like which direction the toilet paper hangs (well for some of you that might not be an issue you would ever settle on). For me, it is just toilet paper, but there are other items in my life that I would never settle on, like a job, or a spouse, my home, or my friends. We should never settle on the important things in life.

I have not finished reading this book, so you might hear from me again about the further inspiration I have gained. For those of you that decide to settle, especially because you think that you are not worth it. Debunk that myth. Stop settling. Just stop.

“Love You Forever”

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I have spent a good part of my life taking care of other people, family members, and probably my favorite of all children. My favorite age is newborn, that are so cuddly, sleep so easily in your arms, and smell so good. (Well most of the time). However, I love the conversation and exploration that happens when you interact with toddlers and onward. The questions at times can get under your skin, and other days they say things that are so completely unexpected that they make you laugh so much you cry. Other times the words that come out of their mouths bring other sorts of tears.

Yesterday a Facebook friend shared this article “The Story Behind ‘Love You Forever’ Is Probably Not What You Thought.” Love You Forever is a children’s book written by Robert Munsch. Now let me tell you, over my 10 + years of marriage I have wanted to purchase baby items, and Chris has somehow won and halted this urge, which I understand. However, I started a bit of a collection of my favorite children’s books well before I met Chris. One on the bookshelf is, you guessed it: Love You Forever. Maybe it is the nostalgia of sometimes feeling like an orphan, or remembering childhood memories with my parents, but this book always brought tears to my eyes as I read it to wee little ones while babysitting, or while working at a day care center in college.

The article shares the true story about the background of this children’s book. You’ll want to read the article and watch the video, but know that it is a teary affair. I cried while reading this article based on not having my parents here to tell me they love me, and now to know that the words in the book actually speak to babies lost, makes it that much deeper. The song the mom sings in the book is:

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”

For those of you that have lost babies, born or unborn, or even your grown babies, this book is for you. I even think it is for those that have lost their moms or dads, as a reminder that they are loved. You are loved.