Inspiration

Response to yesterday’s blog

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Yesterday I wrote about a book I had a recently read and shared a quote. I received the following comment from Renee at unpackedwriter:

“Great post! Very well written, yet author has not answered the question of the post…Have you gone there? How have you opened that door and revealed or re-revealed yourself as you really are? Hard to make these generalizations, as wonderfully expressed as they are without examples.

And what happens if we change the script of who we are midlife, or begin a slow but unrevealed realization that we’ve been concealing something. Speaking as a woman, I’ve hidden certain types of rarely used “toys” from my husband because they haven’t fit the understood script of who we are together. How does the book address such? Are there examples you are comfortable sharing from your own life?”

I thought today that I would respond to this comment directly in my blog. Thank you for your feedback, Renee. I have definitely gone there. I hide nothing from my husband. We have a completely transparent marriage. If you talked to my friends you would find that I do not go to them with my relationship issues. If there is something that needs to be discussed about my marriage, it is with Chris himself. My marriage is with Chris and not with others in my life, therefore, he should be the one that knows my thoughts, concerns, and feelings. There is not a day that goes by that he does not know what I am thinking and feeling.

If we have had a disagreement, or not communicated well and I am upset, I cannot fall asleep at night. I might go to bed, and try, but I cannot go to sleep. I may have laid there for hours, and if I do and he has fallen asleep, I have to be the brat and wake him up and talk it all out. This rarely happens, because most of the time we over communicate.

Regarding your question about if the book addresses this – the answer is no. Since Shapiro’s book is a compilation of interviews with married or divorced individuals, there were short snippets of ideas and quotes from individuals. The quote I shared was from one individual’s experience. It made me think of individuals in my life that are in relationships, hiding who they really are because they are afraid of losing the person they are dating. I so want them and others in my life to be who they are, and not hide because of the thought of losing someone in their life.

I hope that sheds more light and background on my own personal experience and thoughts. As well as a bit about why it was important to me. Thank you again for taking the time to share your comment and feedback!

What turns you on? What freaks you out?

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I recently finished the book: “You Can Be Right [or You Can Be Married]” by Dana Adam Shapiro. I wrote a blog post about it recently sharing a quote about whether your eyes light up when kids walk into a room. His book is definitely worth the read if you are contemplating marriage, or wondering if your current relationship will take it to that next level to marriage. Of course I should clarify that I am not looking to change anything in my marriage, I read a great review on his book and decided it might be worth the read. It really is a fairly good book for anyone married or not.

Shapiro interviews many different individuals about their current and past marriages and shares excerpts from these sessions. A recent conversation with a co-worker reminded me of this quote from Shapiro’s book:

“The problem, I think, is that we get so giddy at the prospect of having found ‘the one’ that we airbrush ourselves—and our partners—into a corner. Desperate to connect, we unwittingly self-sabotage through brazen acts of self-promotion, and like most forms of advertising, the pitch distorts the truth. Better to just be honest; every lie requires a lifetime of maintenance. What really turns you on? What really freaks you out? “ page 16

This scares me. We have become so concerned with finding the “one” and not losing them that we turn into someone else. It makes me want to jump up and down in a rant, scream and yell, and beat my chest in hopes that all of you out there that are pretending to be someone else will wake up, hear me, and snap out of it. Be who you are. Be who you are with excitement and glee. If that boy or girl, man or woman is not interested in you, then walk away. Walk away now. It is not worth wasting your time and energy to hide behind yourself. Be honest. Be direct. Be blunt. Be you.

I ask you in my long and meandering rant. Are you telling your spouse, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend what does turn you on or freaks you out? Do you yourself know what turns you on or freaks you out? Are they still there? Good. Do they hold you to it? Do they challenge and push you to keep charging down the road towards what turns you on? Do they hold your hand as you encounter what freaks you out? Do you know and do the same for them? Good.

If you do not know, find out. If you are afraid to open that door, do not wait. Kick that door in. Let it splinter and break. And, leave the airbrush and paint at the fair. Your time is now.

Extreme level of positivity…

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It has been a full week. In the end, news that might have been taken as bad news ended up being just the news I needed to hear. Which makes me grateful. It will allow me to breathe, stretch, and refocus. It is always funny to me when bad news can actually be good news. Just not always in the way we expect it.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to see a good friend that I had not seen in more than a year. We talk almost weekly, and I feel so privileged that she came to visit us in our new home. Her visit was an inspiration. She wanted to come out and help us pack and move and we were adamant that if she came to visit it was ONLY to hang out and play in Portland.

I wanted to share my admiration about my friend. She always looks at the glass on the table as FULL. Not half full. Not half empty. Always full. She is always positive. It is an inspiration, as I often can nit pick and find the crappy part of an experience. I like to pull things apart and try to better understand why individuals do certain things. In that process I sometimes get frustrated for why things have not been handled in a certain way. I quickly notice how things could be handled better. I see ways others could treat me or those around me better.

She sees the good regardless of the bad. That is not a quality I know of in many people. Her extreme level of positivity is contagious. It reminds me to take a step back and see things differently. The funny thing is that you might think: “extreme level of positivity” means that she is a Pollyanna. She is not. It is real and genuine. She truly sees so much good in others. She gives them the benefit of the doubt. She trusts more.

Thank you, dear friend. You are an inspiration to me. You always want to help and are not picky about how we spend time together. You are always so happy and content with your surroundings and yourself. I appreciate you and am grateful for what you bring to my life.

Happy Friday!

How are you perceived?

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I was talking with Chris on the way home last night about perception. It is an interesting thing. Do you ever think about how others perceive you?

You might feel that others think of you as confident, or feisty, or determined. They may think of you in that way too. But, what if they do not? What if instead they think of you as aggressive, cocky, or impatient. Does how others perceive you matter? Does it change how effective you are with them, whether in a work or personal setting? I think it may. Do we have to manage others perceptions of us? Does it matter?

Often I think that others can be blocked to get to know someone more, or make a decision not to pursue creating a relationship or alliance with someone because of their assumptions or perceptions. I do not think we have to change who we are, or adapt who we are for others, but I do think we need to be aware of how we are perceived. Would knowing that make you approach a situation in a more gentle way? Or maybe just the opposite, would knowing how you are perceived make you act more aggressive? In some ways it is knowing your audience and understanding what they need and how they view the world. It may make a difference in how you interact with your boss, your kid, or your spouse.

I would love to hear other’s thoughts on this topic as it was a spur of the moment thought for me and one I would like to dig deeper into. Any books or articles you have read on this topic? Please share!

Adventurous, resilient, and one year older…

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It is my sister’s birthday. I do not write about her that often. More because I feel that other than those that have passed on, and then of course Chris, that I do not talk about or expose too much about those in my life that are close to me (friends or family). I want to respect their privacy.

yes…she let me join her and blow out “HER” candles…

I have lost most of my immediate family, except for my brother and sister. My sister and I have had our ups and downs in life. Times when she kept the family together and other times when I felt I kept us together. We have had our fights and struggles. My not so nice lash outs (I used to be a biter). Okay, and a clawer, and am still a bit of a yeller. My sister has taken it all in stride.

At different times she has been a mother to me, and a sister, and a best friend. We have not always seen eye-to-eye. We have not always been happy with each other. In the end though we have always been there for each other. Countless experiences in hospitals while nursing my mom, and then my grandma. Many moves and purging of my family belongings. Extremely boring and depressing holidays with no real family. Yet, we got through it — together. Our lives are better now then we probably could have imagined.

Sista. You are a strong woman who is not afraid to take risks. Loves fiercely. Likes adventure. Respects those that respect you. In the above picture, you’ll see that even on her birthday she shared with me.

Have a wonderfully, sunny, pampered day. I love you.