My marriage secret: 51/49

Posted by random olio

If you are married, you will probably understand what I am about to tell you. You know that Sunday afternoon when it is slightly cold out, but it is past time to clear the leaves out of the gutters? When you ask your husband if maybe this is the day to clean them out, and they look at you with raised eyebrows because they know it is:

a) a good day for it

b) past time for it to be done

c) they do not want to get on the roof and clean the gutters

d) they know you are right

You say to your husband: “51/49” which equates to: time to clean the gutters.

You might ask: What is this 51/49? Chris and I have a little mantra for our marriage that we joke about together. “51/49” is what we call it. Basically the short and dirty of it is that I have 51% say and he has 49% say in decisions. I know what you are thinking. Either: “That is not fair” or “Wow, lucky woman.” Whatever you are thinking, save it. It works for us. Chris has always had the idea in his mind: “Happy wife; happy life.” You can guess correctly that I like it. I have the most wonderful husband (I already know I do so you do not have to tell me).

You may ask why I am telling you this – especially when I have also just told you that he only gets 49% say. Well, in the end 51/49 is our inside joke. It is our decision-making motto. Yes, there are many decisions that we make together. Definitely the big ones, buying a house, moving to a different city, making large purchases, you know the drill. Yet, on the day-to-day level, I often plot out the plan for our life. I carve out what is next, make a plan, and divvy up the details for us both to execute. Partly because I am on point for driving us forward with those plans, I often use 51/49 to make sure things happen. If we are torn about where to have dinner and I have a strong opinion, I might mention 51/49. With a grin on his face, and the knowledge that it is our little joke, Chris might lean my way. Or, he might decide to bring his own plan to the mix and test my 51/49. Yes, it is fun, and yes, it has proven very effective in our marriage.

51/49 is also a reminder to us to take good care of each other. I try just as hard to look out for and pamper Chris as he does for me. We do it in different ways, but we love to find ways to make sure we both share in living a happy life together.

I grew up in a family where my father made the decisions (whether right, smart, wrong, or not thought through), while my mom did almost everything in the house. It was always evident to me that my dad made the decisions. It was his way or the highway. I knew I never wanted to be in that kind of marriage. First, I am too strong-willed. Second, I wanted to be in a relationship where we shared and made decisions together. 51/49 works for us.

What do you think of our marriage secret?

Get Your Shit Together

Posted by random olio

I am impressed. Trust me, it takes a lot to impress me. I have found a website about money, insurance, living wills, and other life planning needs that I will be able to remember for many years to come. It has a ring to it, and if I am talking to a friend or colleague, I will not have to rack my brain to remember their URL. Ready for it?

getyourshittogether.org

Clever right? They focus on creating a will, a living will, setting up your insurance…the list goes on. The creator of the site, Chanel Reynolds, lost her husband last summer when he was hit while on a bike ride. She spent months recreating her financial life, then decided to start her website (which just went live this month) to help others get their shit together.

While no one in my family was hit by a bike, I can relate to Chanel because of my own life experiences, all of which have made me passionate about these issues. When both of my parents passed on (I was 16 and 21), they had no life insurance, no health insurance, no living will, or will. When my mom passed on I was 16, which means I was still a minor. At the time, if my father did not take custody of me there was a possibility that I would have been taken under the care of the state. Did my parents ever think or plan for such occurrence? Probably not. If they had then there would have been documentation of what would happen to me. I like to think they would have done the due diligence to make sure that was in place, but it was not. Not a fun way to mourn.

At each point in my life when my parents passed on, my siblings and I had to come up with money to pay for both of my parent’s funerals, as well as incur different expenses to travel to and from their respective homes (they were divorced by then) to deal with any remaining possessions, most of which went to Goodwill. Rather than have the opportunity to grieve, we had to act fast, plan the cheapest funeral, and go through their possessions as quickly as possible in order to not have to continue to pay their rent and other expenses.

A will, life insurance, and directions on what arrangements they wanted at their death would have helped my brother, sister, me to have the option to be present in losing our parents at such a young age. Instead we had to make difficult choices very quickly during highly emotional times. I do not want to put my future children in that situation. It is important to take the time to legally document your financial and legal choices for your affairs. Once you have it documented, take the time to discuss with the necessary individuals (whether your children or siblings, etc.) so they understand your wishes. I can tell you from experience if you do not have those conversations now, it can cause riffs in a family during an already emotionally charged time.

Due to the situation I was in, I strongly encourage anyone with kids to take the time and proper steps to “get your shit together.” Do it for your spouse. Do it for your kids. Do it for your parents. Yes, it is morbid to talk about the “what-ifs” if you were to die. It is not fun, but it is reality. Take the time to have the hard conversations with your spouse and get your shit together.

Clean sheets and feather pillows…

Posted by random olio

What does home mean to you? I was recently inspired by a blog post on Home by DesignSponge. It made me start to think about the different homes, dorm rooms, apartments, and condos I have lived in throughout my life. What made them home to me? My response: lots of things.

Growing up I do not remember specific things that made me feel at home. I guess I never had futuristic thinking or knowledge to know that after the age of twelve, I would never have a room to come home to that was my own. Once I learned that, I began to make each current “home” as comfortable to me as possible. In college that meant that my bed was the best place in my dorm room. I saved up from babysitting so I could purchase a feather bed, a feather comforter, amazing sheets, and, you might have guessed it, feather pillows. It was my home.

Gradually over the years, my bed was still very important, and I maintained the high quality sheets and of course, feathers, but as the size of my home evolved from a dorm room to an apartment, to a condo, to a house, so did my expanded of sense of home. Now, my sense of home is still very rooted in my actual house. My bed, the art, how it is organized, how clean it is, etc. all ground me and make me feel comfortable and at home.

Just like the saying goes: “Home is where the heart is.” That is true, and so in true form, Chris is my home. When we are together in someone else’s home, in a hotel, whenever or wherever we are together, I feel at home. One of my favorite things to do is to continue to make our house our home…together.

One last thing. I want to create a print and frame it that says: “You are responsible for the energy you bring into this home.” This is something that I have thought about over and over again in the past year. What energy am I bringing into other people’s homes and vice versa. What if we always thought of that before we enter any home, workplace, or commercial establishment?

We are only responsible for ourselves.

A happy wife…

Posted by random olio

I know I rave about Chris all the time, but I had to share this beautiful present. First, our 1/2 anniversary falls on Christmas day. In the past few years, we have made the choice not to give each other gifts. Last year we were traveling for Christmas and due to the high cost of the trip, we decided to pass on gifts. This year, due to purchasing a home, we decided again to put aside giving gifts. However, he always has something up his sleeve.

In November, we were at a design show and we found and fell in love with this print. I was with my good friend that was visiting that weekend, and after seeing that print she said: “Guess what you are getting for Christmas?” Well she was right. Just not for Christmas. A few days before Christmas I had come inside from my run, and sitting on my desk was the below print, framed. I went to find Chris. Happily excited, I asked how he pulled this off. He said: “I have my ways. Happy 1/2 Anniversary.”

Chris and I are horribly picky about art. We have learned over time that if we both fall in love with a piece we have to do something about it right away. We have experienced first hand when we fell in love with a piece, and waited. Only to find out that it had been purchased before we made our decision.

I encourage you to explore more of Audrey’s work. The image below does not even begin to show you the detail of this piece. Thank you, Chris.

the Pine

A happy wife.

Designing my 2013

Posted by random olio

It is officially 2013. Still so hard to believe. While I am not much of a fan of New Year’s resolutions, I do think it is good to have goals for the year. So much good happened in 2012, it is hard to imagine what big things will happen in 2013. Here is the start of my list of things I want to do in 2013:

Run a 1/2 marathon
Start writing a book
Read more than 125 books. Maybe 150?
Travel more
Celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary (via a trip)
Add more photos in my blog posts
Take my camera out more often so I can add photos to my blog posts!
Paint more
Get back into drawing, I have a new fascination with figure drawing
Start to meditate

Here is my dilemma: I am often hard on myself to do everything and then some more. For example, each year I add another project to my list. In 2010, I wanted to read 100 books, for 2011 I wanted to read 125 books. In 2012 I wanted to read 125 books, write in my journal each day, and post a blog each week day. This year what has come to me to add to that list is: to meditate each day. Is that a lot to take on in addition to my exercise regimen, professional work, and being a wife? Will I have enough time in the day to do each of these projects? Yes. Why you might ask? Because these projects fuel and inspire me. Often I will write in my journal and get a blog idea. Or I will run and read, and solve a problem at work. It all somehow connects together. I think meditation will be the perfect blend to what I am already doing.

What to do better next year…

I would like to cherish the small moments, smile and laugh more, play more, and reach out and connect with those in my life that I have not spoken to in a long time. I would like to let go more and control less. These all might sound like easy things to do, but for me they are not. They will take conscious effort and focus if I want to be better. Take cherishing the small moments: This means I have to live more in the moment, which means I have to be more aware when I am not living in the moment. Hopefully as I meditate more, that will help with each of the above items. Time will tell. I will try to share my progress throughout the year.

I am also going to start doing something I saw on Facebook. I have started a jar that says: “Good things that happened in 2013.” At the end of the year we will open the jar and read all the notes. I bet it will be quite amazing to look back and read things we had forgotten about, and to see all of them in writing. I am ready for 2013 – bring it on!

What goals do you have for 2013?