Marriage

The Pesto That Changed My Life

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About 10 years ago, Chris and I had just begun our first stint at sharing a living space. We had a lot figured out in terms of keeping things clean and organized, sharing responsibilities, and roles in our home. One area that was not as clear was the kitchen. Chris loved to cook and had always been adventurous to try to recreate amazing food that he had experienced in restaurants in New York, and other cities he had traveled to around the country. Let’s just say he wowed me with what he could do in the kitchen.

Since I am a bit competitive (okay very competitive), I wanted to show him I could cook too. I decided to make pasta with pesto for dinner one night. For those that read my blog recently, I spent many summers learning how to bake (and follow a recipe). I was not a complete cooking novice, but some of you may agree with me, that following a recipe for cooking can be different from following a recipe to bake something. I made a mistake that altered my future forever. Although some may say it was a good mistake, it has meant I no longer make the main courses for meals in our home. I am the sous chef or the baker and dessert maker.

My mistake: adding an entire head of garlic to the pesto I was making rather than one CLOVE of garlic. Chris was an angel. Maybe it was because he was balancing the boundaries and newness of the beginnings of a relationship, or maybe he just is truly an angel. HE ATE THE PESTO…and, smelled like garlic for days. I did not want to be near him. I wanted to create something for him in the kitchen, made a mistake in the ingredient, and lived to smell it for days.

What it did to us? He started doing all the cooking. I learned to just let him alone in the kitchen. If I try to talk to him while he is cooking, and I bring up our conversation later, he will have no recollection or remembrance that the conversation ever took place. So. We altered life. He cooks. I go into my writing world while he cooks. It all works out. The way I balance this wonderful gift in my life is to occasionally bake breads and yummy desserts. I would do it more often, but while the sugar goodness tends to do nothing to Chris, it tends to add wobbly bits to my body. He will have to be okay with occasionally.

My mistake made 10 years ago = a gift.

…the beginnings of coconut creme pie…

Giggles In Heaven

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On Monday I wrote about the book: “It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita” by Heather Armstrong in this blog post. The blog I wrote was more on the funny and painful aspects to motherhood. Today I wanted to share the awww moments of motherhood. The parts that make you cling to your spouse with gratitude for this little life you brought into the world.

“The best part of my day was when Jon carried Leta back to the changing table after her bath, and she’d lay there wrapped in the towel, her hand shoved as far as she could get it into the back of her mouth. He’d lean down and pretend to eat her neck, causing her to laugh. And she laughed for him like she laughed for no one else, a full-body laugh that shook her belly and caused her to let go of her hand for a second. Her giggles would fill the house and echo through the baby monitor into the living room and out to the street. I imagined that those echoing giggles were what the background music in heaven sounded like.” Page 159

Aww. Giggles in heaven. I love the laughter and absolute uncontrollable giggle of a baby or toddler. You can continue to repeat what you are doing over and over again to have that same gut laughter continue. It. Is. The. Best. Thing. Ever. And then Heather talks about the love for her spouse, Jon:

“In him I’d found the person whom I knew I would never get tired of, even in the most monotonous of times, even in the routine of being together every single day. I never thought I would find that.” Page 237

This is how I feel about Chris. Even if he is on the iPad dreaming about our future, and I am pounding out my next blog post on my laptop, while watching Michael Phelps swim the last Olympic event of his career, we are hanging out together. We look up and smile at each other and go back to our respective activities, my legs sprawled out on top of him. Aww the life. Can you tell how addicted I am to my husband? We live our life with giggles and laughter and maybe one day we will share those gut deep giggles with a little one. (Can you tell I am thinking very seriously about it!)

Again, I say, read Heather’s book. It is worth it. Okay I am done touting her book. You will not hear another peep about it.

Cheeseburgers and Staples

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I just finished reading: “It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita” by Heather Armstrong. I could not stop saying: “Chris, Chris, I have to read this to you.” I might have to write about this book a few times because of just how blunt and hilarious Heather writes. Sometimes it is that potty humor that makes her funny, and sometimes it is in that I-relate-that-would-be-me kind of way.

In her book she takes you from trying to conceive, to her pregnancy, to the first 9 months of her baby girl’s life. She talks about her struggles with staying sane (literally) and what moms go through to not lose it. Maybe I can relate more right now because I am thinking so much about motherhood, but if you are a mother, or are thinking about taking that step, or just want a good laugh, then read on.

“An then, in what was one of the most memorable moments of the pregnancy, the ultrasound technician pointed to an unrecognizable shadow on the monitor and said, “See that cheeseburger? That means it’s a girl.” And then he circled her cheeseburger for emphasis. Jon had been holding my hand to give me strength to hold my pee, but right then he let go and cupped his tear-stained face, “You have a very important job,” he said, looking at me with the eyes I had fallen in love with. “You’re going to have to teach our daughter about her cheeseburger.” Page 39

I love this. It just made me smile. The next excerpt I want to share has to do with breast-feeding and what it feels like for a woman to breast feed. Men, yes please keep reading. I think it is worth it for you to know her explanation. Not that you do not respect women for what they have to go through to breast feed a child, but her description I think will take your respect to a new level.

“The only way to describe it to a man is to suggest that he lay out his naked penis on a chopping block, place a manual stapler on the sacred helmet head, and bang it a couple hundred staples. The first two staples might hurt a little, but after that it just becomes numb, right? And by the eighty-eighth staple you’re like, AREN’T YOU FULL YET? But then the comparison really fails because a man doesn’t have two penises, and after stapling the first boob the baby moves again on to the other boob and the happy stapling begins ALL OVER AGAIN.” Page 83

I have more to share, but I think I will save it for another post. The other ideas are more for the soft side of parenting, but I thought I would first start with cheeseburgers and staples. Go. Read. Her. Book.

More Bang For Your Buck

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Recently I posted about: All the Money in the World: What the Happiest People Know About Getting and Spending, by Laura Vanderkam. One of the things she mentions is that the average cost of an engagement ring today is: $5,392. Wow. That could be a used car for some folks. Add the engagement ring to the cost of the wedding itself (flowers, dress, reception, food, venue, etc). It adds up quickly. My question is – is it all necessary? Chris and I got married on a beach in Hawaii for basically the cost of a honeymoon. Even doing that, it was expensive, but it was nothing like what the cost could have been if we had a traditional wedding + a honeymoon. I appreciate what Laura says in her book:

“With the same $5,392 the average couple spends on an engagement ring, a set of new parents could pay a babysitter $50 a night for 107 nights so they could have time to themselves or go neck in their car like teenagers. The $12,124 The Knot reports the average couple spends on a reception venue could cover a $100 housecleaning service, twice a month, for the entire five years many two-kid couples spend in that sticky stage when children spill milk just to see what will happen. The average $1,988 florist and decor bill could be doled out, instead, as 198 thinking-of-you $10 bouquets–a once-a-month gesture of love for a solid 16.5 years.” page 22

Laura also talks about what would bring more joy to your marriage. Does the American Dream and picket fence really make you satisfied? Or are you more interested in traveling and learning about other cultures? If so, are you paying more for a car or home then you really need? Are you doing it because it makes you happy, or is it because it is what you think you should be doing? What is more responsible? What causes you less stress? I often think of things pertaining to money in terms of justification. If I do not buy this now, I will have enough money for something else later. Much like what Laura mentions about $1,988 in flowers could give you 198 $10 thinking of you bouquets a month for 16.5 months. What has more bang for your buck?

We have so many different ideas and options  before us. Are we asking the questions of what is best for us and our families, or are we making choices just to keep up with the Jones’? Do we really need the big elaborate wedding, or engagement ring, or are we best prepared if we put that money towards our future? Or towards our emergency funds?

What do you think?

What Are Your Love Languages?

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Have you read the book: The Five Love Languages? by Gary Chapman. It is a slow book, but the ideas in it are ones that apply to romantic and platonic relationships. I read it a few years ago, but constantly refer to it in conversations. It has continued to be a great way to dive into relationships and how others relate to each other, whether in a good relationship, a new relationship, or one that is struggling.

The background on his book is that we each have a language with how we feel most loved. Take for example your significant other (if you have one, if not then replace with your good friend, or a family member). Think about what you feel they need to feel most loved. I will list below the five love languages. I will say this again: The key is to think about what THEY most need that makes them feel loved. Try to come up with the top two out of the five. Once you have figured out what their top two are, think about what your top two are – what makes you feel the most loved?

The five love languages are:

  • Gift Giving
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service

You can find more details and definitions of each of the love languages at the above link. My top two languages of love are: Quality Time and Acts of Service. This means when Chris knows I have had a rough day and it is not over yet, that if he takes care of some chore he knows I will try to do even if I am operating on 10% energy, it will make me feel loved. He knows that my language (Acts of Service) means he is thinking about me and what I need without even asking me.

I also really appreciate quality time with each other. These days with all that we have on our plates, quality time is such an important language of love. It says I care and love you enough to put down my phone, turn off the TV, shut my computer and focus on you. You may or may not have the same love language as your significant other. What is important for me is that I know what his love languages are and that I focus on how to show him love through his love languages.

a photo from a friend.

What are your love languages? Have you shared your love languages with others? It is an important conversation for others to know how to best love you!