I can be taken care of. There will be enough.

Posted by random olio

A quote can sometimes sum up your past, present and maybe even your future. Although probably hard to truly find a quote to sum up a future that has not happened. While reading “The Law of Divine Compensation: On Work, Money, and Miracles” by Marianne Williamson, I came across an idea that sums up an aspect of my childhood. It is hard to walk away from ideas and experiences that were ingrained in your thought and life at such a young age. At times I feel like I am still being chased by this idea:

“’I have an issue about being taken care of. I never think that there will be enough’.” Page 109

Maybe it was because for many years of my life (and my sister’s) we had to fend for ourselves. We were not taken care of. We were the caretakers for my mom, dad, and grandma. So it does not mean that no one cared about us, but it does mean that we were rarely looked after, watched, parented, or cared for in the way we should have been. It took me until I was much older to truly understand that my childhood was not like my peers’. Jumping ahead to adulthood where I have evolved, grown, and become my own person over the years, I still have a hard time with being taken care of. Chris is really the only one in my life that I completely allow in to dote on me in that way. Maybe I am that way because of so many years where I had to figure it out for myself and be creative for how I was going to fend for myself that I have a hard time allowing others to jump in. The sad truth that runs through my mind: They were not there before so why should I expect anyone now?

About their being enough… When there is not enough money in the bank, when you are not allowed to go about normal school activities because you do not have the proper attire, and when you are the recipient of the food bank, you begin to wonder if you will ever have enough from day-to-day. My problem now in adulthood: while I know from the top of my head to the tips of my toes that I have enough, I still have never shed that little birdie on my should that says: “There might not be enough. Save ’cause you never know. Do not get that because you spent too much already.”

I know I have all that I need right now, but I am still learning to let others care for me and I constantly battle that little birdie. Some things never change, but maybe little by little I will wear myself down and change my mantra to: “I can be taken care of. There will be enough.”

It’s a good start.

I love you, I love you, I love you…

Posted by random olio

I remember back in the day (about 12 + years ago) when Chris and I were saying our first “I love you’s.” We were both a bit timid to say it after being burned in relationships of the past. I remember the first time he said it to me over dinner in a restaurant in Boston. He said: “I think I love you.” At the time I did not know him well enough as I do today to tease him for that comment (although I tease him about it today). At that moment, I felt those tingly feelings that you feel the first time the word love spews out of someone’s mouth. I did not want to say anything that might make him take it back, because I felt the same way.

The only difference is I was not used to saying those words in my life. They were not often said in my house, and at a certain point my parents were so involved in their own life dramas of illness, poverty, and depression that whether I was told “I love you” or not did not filter into their day as top of the importance list. What I do not remember about that night in Boston is if I said it back, and Chris does not remember either. He was probably in a state of shock that he said those words to me.

Gradually we said it more and more and it became a natural part of our interaction. I think there was probably a time early on where I did not say it too much for fear of scaring him away. Eventually you get over that learning curve and realize how important it is to say what you mean so deeply. We tell each other every day, sometimes many, many times. I chuckled at the end of a work day a few weeks ago. I called Chris to tell him I was ready to be picked up (we carpool) and he said: “On my way. Love you.” I found it funny because I was going to see him only moments later, and yet he said what he was feeling in that moment. That is just the way it should be.

Call me sappy, or addicted or whooped (I am all of those things) for my husband, but I want to make sure that he never forgets how I feel, and I never take for granted that he knows. Saying “I love you” is #3 on a list in this Huffington Post article: “13 Simple Tricks To A Long And Happy Marriage.” I have to say I absolutely agree with the 12 other items on the list and that they contribute to a happy marriage. Especially being best friends, honesty, and cherishing each other.

Remember to say: “I love you” and mean it.

Towards a happy marriage

Posted by random olio

11 years of marriage. I cannot tell you that marriage is a perfect place. It is full of love, laughter, frustration, emotion, and so much more. I love almost every minute of it, because I am walking forward with Chris. More than being lovers and spouses we are best friends. A best friend that I can truly say anything to at any moment. He might not always like what comes out of my mouth, but at least it is the truth. Here are a few ideas of what I think are steps toward a happy marriage:

Go to bed together every night. If you cannot orchestrate that, then if one is going to bed before the other, come and tuck the other in. I know that might sound old school, or childish, but do it. It will make a difference. It is a way to connect at the end of a long day and allows your spouse to relax. Having said all that, Chris is the night owl and I rarely get to tuck him in. Better yet, what we often do is go to bed together, snuggle, and then the one that is not tired gets to read and/or catch up on episodes of their favorite TV show on the iPad. A win-win situation.

Tell each other what you think as much as possible.

Try not to snap or react. Sometimes we are grumpy, have a poopy day, and we snap. Okay to be fair, Chris is WAY more patient then I am, and I snap way more often than he does. Do not take it personally. You know when your pants feel too tight and you plop down on the floor of the closest ready to explode with tears? Be there for each other at those moments. I know, I know 99% of the time it is the woman sitting on the floor. So to all those husbands out there. Sit down next to your wife and listen to her emotions, her hormones. Just love her immensely on those days.

Eat together at your kitchen table. Do it without your iWHATEVER device, your DVR, or Netflix. Absorb those moments together. We do not do it often enough, but when we do if makes life feel so different. Sad, but true.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Just because you might have been with and lived with someone for 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years does not mean that you should ever stop communicating. I should have made this point first because to me it is by far one of the most important aspects of marriage. Talk it out. Share what is on your mind. Listen. Discuss and resolve.

A happy marriage. No prescription. Just start with respect, love, and a listening ear. It is all up to both of you.

I don’t know…

Posted by random olio

“I don’t know.” My nephew used to always say this. I would ask him a question and his response would be: “I don’t know.” On Monday, Labor Day, a part of our three-day weekend I asked Chris what he wanted to do. His response: “I don’t know. Just stay in bed. Have breakfast.” That’s all I got from him. So, what did we end up doing? A plethora of randomness. Yes, just like this blog: random olio. That is what we did on our Labor Day. We still stayed in bed. Of course we had breakfast too. But, without any clarity over any other ideas, we ended up doing…

A random hodgepodge of things:

posted a bunch of items on ebay
purged old paperwork and files
posted a bookshelf on Craigslist
caught up on emails… lots of emails
caught up on a stack of articles that I have wanted to read
ran 8 miles
our breakfast was yummy
got back on track with catching up on “Breaking Bad” (can you believe we are still on season 1?)

I think that Chris will think differently when I ask him what he wants to do, and no longer say: “I don’t know.” Smirk. Smirk. Now he just might have an answer for me. I would like to x, y, and z. I would not like to do anything having to do with Craigslist or ebay, or emails, or the Internet. I would like to not have to do anything productive. I would like to watch movies all day, or be outside and explore. Or, he could say: “I would like to do whatever you would like to do.” Ha. Often that is what happens, and we then end up in some project that somehow is a puking of a closet, or in the garage, that always takes longer than you think.

What did you do over the long weekend?

“Your lists keep us together.”

Posted by random olio

Over the weekend we are driving into Portland for some brunch, errands, and my favorite–an artisan craft fair. While multi-tasking on my iPhone I say something about adding something to our list for the day, and then mumble: “you must love my lists” (noted in a sarcastic tone). His response: “Your lists keep us together.”

I will remind you (in case you are not aware). Chris is a relatively quiet guy. He does not talk if he does not have anything to say, and often I have to pry his thoughts out of him. So when I got this long response, I quickly grabbed a pen and pad of paper from the glove box (because quite frankly I am old school and I cannot type that fast on my iPhone).

The rest of the conversations goes like this…quotes are Chris’ words:

“There are 2.5 things we fight about – whenever we fight – which is rare:

My lack of follow through or lack of communication.

Your hunger tantrums – aka when you are “hangry.”

#3 is really 2.5, as it only gets really 1/2 a point in my mind… When you comment on my driving.

Your lists are what keep us together. It keeps us on the same page. So keep adding items to your lists, keep tracking as you do.”

Not only was that a succinct quote from my hubby, it was also very profound. He is right. We rarely fight and it usually is over something that was not communicated, or miscommunicated, or my biggest pet peeve of all is lack of follow through. I am not going to comment on #2.5 because as a passenger I reserve the right to share my concern when I have one. You might be thinking, “How is it possible that you only have 2.5 things you generally fight about?” I have to agree with him that is the complete list. #1 is for him, #2 is for me, and like I said we’ll just ignore #2.5.