Sometimes you have to drop your pride

Posted by random olio

Even if a novel is not a true story, sometimes there is a character that gets under your skin, and makes their way into your heart. I just finished reading “Outside the Lines” by Amy Hatvany. It is a story about a girl who is trying to find her father. When she was ten he left because of his mental issues. He could not stay on his medications because it numbed him, but could not function without his medication. She is 30 and trying to find her father 20 years later. This excerpt made me think of my own dad:

“‘I’m useless,’ he cried. ‘Totally useless. I’m a terrible father. I’m a terrible painter. I should just leave…you’d be better off without me. Everyone would.’ He shoved his face in his hands, making it awkward to keep him in my embrace. I could feel his tears drip down on my forearm. His pain bled into me, pushing through my skin. It made my stomach clench. He only used to cry once in a while, now it was happening all the time.” page 39

Dad rarely cried. He would call me every few weeks when I was in college. Instead of short frequent conversations, they would be three agonizing hours. I could not get him to stop talking to me. Maybe that is why it is hard for me to finish a conversation today, and why I feel guilty walking away, even if I am late for another engagement. I never knew how to get my dad off the phone. Maybe I felt that staying on the phone with him would make things different for him. Or better.

The final years of his life were not great for my father. Looking back it makes me sad to think about his loneliness. Those late night phone calls, when I should have been studying, made me feel like the parent. It definitely made me a better listener. He would tell me about the construction jobs he was working on, and the clients he liked, and those he did not. He would talk about his siblings, and whether he was in touch with them. We talking about my siblings and whether he was in touch with them. He would talk about his dreams, and where he wanted to take his life. He hoped that things would come through for him, and if they did he was going to find a better place to live, or eventually replace his old blue truck. Sometimes he was in a good mood and would tell me how proud he was of me, other times he would be so down in the dumps that I knew my words of affirmation would not sail into his ears, they would just float through the mouthpiece of my phone and out the ear of his phone.

My mom was dead. He missed her. Even though they divorced a few years before she passed on, I knew he still loved her. Even if they fought and argued, you could still see the love they had for each other. His work life was hard, back-breaking work and he was not getting any breaks. He longed to be able to pay his bills, and have something be easy in life. My sister and I encouraged him over and over again to get a job working for someone else for the knowledge that he would have a regular paycheck and health benefits, but that was not my dad. From as far back as I could remember my dad did not take orders from anyone. This meant the last thing he would do is work for someone else. I do not think he truly understood that sometimes when things are tough it is better to drop your pride, be good, collect a paycheck and put your feet up at the end of the week.

What he may not know is that I learned from his example. I have a bit of him in the “do your own thing” in me, but I also appreciate what it means to know you have a secure job, health benefits, and someone who might just rub your feet at the end of the week. It is not something to take for granted.

Opportunity Cost

Posted by random olio

Do you ever justify a purchase? Do you think to yourself, I worked hard this week, I deserve this purchase. Or, you might think about how you did not go out to dinner and a movie with friends last week, so you can buy this expensive coat. I justify purchases. Often it is that I should not purchase a specific item, either because we do not need it, or because I believe it is too expensive. Other times, I tell myself, if I purchase this, I will not purchase something else. Or, if I do not purchase something I can save for something better later.

A few weeks ago, I finished reading: “Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work” by Chip Heath & Dan Heath. There was a quote that resonated with me:

“‘Opportunity cost’ is a term from economics that refers to what we give up when we make a decision. For instance, if you and your spouse spend $40 on a Mexican dinner one Friday night and then go to the movies ($20), your opportunity cost might be a $60 sushi dinner plus some television at home. The sushi-and-TV combo is the next-best thing you could have done with the same amount of time and money. Or if you love both shopping and hiking, then the opportunity cost of a Saturday afternoon at the mall might be the forgone opportunity to hike through a nearby park.” page 42

Is that how you make decisions in your life? Do you ever think about the opportunity cost for the choices you make? It is not always a bad way to make decisions. Chris and I spent a few years feeling stuck in the condo we owned. We knew we could not sell it due to the year we purchased it and the market, so we stayed put and continued to save for our future. Last fall we saw a window and found a house we fell in love with instantly. If we had not spent all those years saving, we would not have been able to make the move into our current home. I look at that as our opportunity cost. We stayed in a home for a few years and saved in order to now live in a home we love. It worked for us.

Is that how you look at money and decisions? Is it easier to have the opportunity right in front of you now, so you can see the instant gratification? Does that help you look into the future, or is what you want right now the only way to live? If you are diligent today, tomorrow, and the next day, could that give you more options in a few years? Yes. I can tell you that waiting often gives you more options, but not always. We have to listen for what makes the most sense in each situation. It will be different for everyone.

What do you think?

Bring On: “The Motherhood”

Posted by random olio

I know I have been sharing lots of videos lately, and in the world of blogging that is considered cheating. However, I am someone who cannot resist telling others about a good thing. If it makes me laugh, think differently, or learn something new about myself then it is worth sharing. This video made me laugh. A colleague at work shared it with me and I proceeded to laugh during the entire 3 minutes. It is a perfect little rap for moms. Since Mother’s Day is coming up, I thought I would brighten your Friday, because honoring mom’s should happen more than just on a Sunday in May.

The video was created by Fiat. I love that so many companies have decided to do social commentary on issues that have nothing to do with cars. That comment was partly sarcastic, because sometimes I find it annoying, and yet in the past few years there have been great ads that make us laugh and cry (thank you Jeep and Volkswagon).

Get out your mom jeans, bring your snot stained sack, get in your SUV, and wipe off those sticky hands.

Happy Friday, and enjoy your weekend!

Unforgettable Impact

Posted by random olio

Are there people from your past that have had an unforgettable impact on you? They came into your life at a specific time, left that imprint on your heart, they may or may not be in your life anymore, but you remember the lasting effect they had on you.

There are so many people in my life that had that kind of impact on me. Children, other families, parents of children I took care of, friends, the list goes on. I can remember when I was in elementary school, a neighbor on my street would let me come over after school. She had been an art teacher and took time off to have a baby. I would come by to play with her son, and she would often have an art project out on the kitchen table and ask if I wanted to join her. I learned a lot from her, and often wonder if her encouragement and interest is what ignited my interest in art. If she had not left that imprint on my life, would I have pursued many of my creative and artistic endeavors? I will never know, but I am grateful for the connected afternoons of playing with baby + paints, paper, pencils, wax, and my imagination.

Why is it that I remember very specific details of interactions outside of my family, but many details of life inside my home are a blur? I could list off many experiences I had babysitting kids in my neighborhood, or from my church. Families I came close to in high school and college. Often I spent more time in their home and with their children than I did in my own home. Many times it would begin to feel more like my home away from home. I would have meals with their family and the parents would tease me that they wanted to adopt me. So why did I find such solace and comfort in spending time with these families? They had a definite impact on me. They taught me different ways to live, politics, things I wanted in my life, and things I did not want.

The unforgettable impact continues in adulthood. Whether a colleague, a friend’s precious child, or that night out to dinner with friends. I can walk away from an experience and feel the imprint internally. The deep conversation that changed me, taught me to look at myself differently, or helped me to appreciate all the goodness and greatness already in my life. I am honored to look back and appreciate all the individuals that have changed me.

Who has made a great impact in your life?

What it must have been like for my Dad

Posted by random olio

I was reading a book recently, where the character reminded me of my dad.

After my parents got divorced my dad moved from a bad house to an even worse house. At one time he was even living in a barn. I saw his space. He slept on a cot, and had his clothes in milk crates. There was another place that he would never take me too. I never understood why. Now looking back I see it was his pride. In many ways I am glad he never showed me. I am a visual person and it would be imprinted in my thoughts. I still remember how strange it was to see my dad inside the barn stall. His friend let him stay there when he had no where else to go.

dad’s home away from home

At the time he lived in Indiana, and it was the early 90’s. I cannot imagine rent was that expensive, and yet he did not have the money. I remember one house he lived in, had mice. Yes, many homes have mice, but these you would hear crawling through the walls, and they loved the kitchen. You would find their droppings in cupboards, on the counter, and on the floor. I am sure my dad hated it, but many times he did not have a choice. I know what he would tell me today. He would say: “I have a roof over my head, and food on the table and that is all that matters.”

As I type this I am crying. I wish he had a better life. If he were still alive today, maybe he would have figured some things out and found that house that he could call a home, with no mice, windows that let in the light, a dresser for his clothes, and a place to park his beloved truck. I wish I had understood back then how hard it must have been for him. To have to leave the home you have, walk away from seeing your family each night, and start out new. I wish his life had been different. I will never know what his life might have turned out like, but I can keep living and working to make mine better.

Love you, Dad.