Fight for it. Bring it.

Posted by random olio

Over the weekend I was penciling in my calendar a friend’s art show coming up in June. I decided to check out the website of the gallery where her show will be held and found this show. What a clever idea, be sure to click the show link for a full image. I have included a bit of the text here as it is hard to read on the left side of the photo:

WHAT DO YOU FIGHT FOR? Whether it’s in a cage, for the rights of others, or just for her attention, we are all fighting for something

I fight for _______

It made me think about and ponder what I fight for. What does it mean to fight for something? Do the people or things you fight for have levels or degrees to how much effort you give? Do some people receive the tall or grande effort while others might get the venti or Big Gulp? If there are ranges, then are you really fighting for those that only receive the grande effort? This is the list that came to me:

I fight for: my husband, my family and friends, women’s rights, literacy, children to eat healthy and be active on a daily basis, integrity, an hour a day to run (= sanity), fairness, equality…the list goes on.

However, I am not sure my list should go on. If I were being honest with myself, my husband would receive the infinite beverage size of my energy. Mess with my husband and you have to deal with me. Yes, he can completely take care of himself, and does not need me to get involved, but that does not mean that my competitive, fighting self will not lose all control against someone who tries to mess with my better half. So does that mean I do not think that childhood obesity is not worth fighting for? No. It is about the effort I give out. I would go to combat to fight for my husband, and while I am passionate about childhood obesity, it is not the same level of fight that I would have for Chris.

Have you thought about which things in your life you want to fight for? When the opportunity presents itself, do you really fight for them?

An example of: Grace, Patience, and Calm

Posted by random olio

I know I already gush about my husband, but many times my blogs just come right out of my fingertips without my knowing what I am going to say. This blog is a tribute to my husband.

I follow David Kanigan’s blog. This one on Grace really resonated with me. While it is a letter to a colleague of David’s that was retiring, the ideas he shared can apply to anyone. See my husband is a very patient man. It takes a lot, and I mean a lot to press his buttons. He is not going to yell and cuss at the guy that rudely drives past when he is already backing out of his parking space, he just shakes his head, waits, and then finishes backing up the car. He is not going to give someone the middle finger for cutting him off in traffic, or for being the one that takes the only parking space left, even when he is the one pulling into it first.

my better half

My husband is gentle, patient, and he keeps his cool. I am in awe. I am not always one to keep my cool. I am the one to yell when someone cuts me off in traffic, I am the backseat driver, and often a trash talker. (I know the other car cannot hear me, but it still feels good to let it out.) Chris always asks me, “do you feel better now?” or “did it help to go crazy telling them off when they cannot hear you?” Yes and yes. Chris on the other hand has grace. He might not like that I am stating that he is graceful, as I think many men might think that word has more connotations of something feminine, but sorry Chris, it is the truth. I love this quote from William Hazlett:

“Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul.”

Chris, thank you for being an example to me for what is possible, and for being my conscience and my reminder that we can be better each day. As I said earlier, I am in awe of your strong example of grace.

My marriage secret: 51/49

Posted by random olio

If you are married, you will probably understand what I am about to tell you. You know that Sunday afternoon when it is slightly cold out, but it is past time to clear the leaves out of the gutters? When you ask your husband if maybe this is the day to clean them out, and they look at you with raised eyebrows because they know it is:

a) a good day for it

b) past time for it to be done

c) they do not want to get on the roof and clean the gutters

d) they know you are right

You say to your husband: “51/49” which equates to: time to clean the gutters.

You might ask: What is this 51/49? Chris and I have a little mantra for our marriage that we joke about together. “51/49” is what we call it. Basically the short and dirty of it is that I have 51% say and he has 49% say in decisions. I know what you are thinking. Either: “That is not fair” or “Wow, lucky woman.” Whatever you are thinking, save it. It works for us. Chris has always had the idea in his mind: “Happy wife; happy life.” You can guess correctly that I like it. I have the most wonderful husband (I already know I do so you do not have to tell me).

You may ask why I am telling you this – especially when I have also just told you that he only gets 49% say. Well, in the end 51/49 is our inside joke. It is our decision-making motto. Yes, there are many decisions that we make together. Definitely the big ones, buying a house, moving to a different city, making large purchases, you know the drill. Yet, on the day-to-day level, I often plot out the plan for our life. I carve out what is next, make a plan, and divvy up the details for us both to execute. Partly because I am on point for driving us forward with those plans, I often use 51/49 to make sure things happen. If we are torn about where to have dinner and I have a strong opinion, I might mention 51/49. With a grin on his face, and the knowledge that it is our little joke, Chris might lean my way. Or, he might decide to bring his own plan to the mix and test my 51/49. Yes, it is fun, and yes, it has proven very effective in our marriage.

51/49 is also a reminder to us to take good care of each other. I try just as hard to look out for and pamper Chris as he does for me. We do it in different ways, but we love to find ways to make sure we both share in living a happy life together.

I grew up in a family where my father made the decisions (whether right, smart, wrong, or not thought through), while my mom did almost everything in the house. It was always evident to me that my dad made the decisions. It was his way or the highway. I knew I never wanted to be in that kind of marriage. First, I am too strong-willed. Second, I wanted to be in a relationship where we shared and made decisions together. 51/49 works for us.

What do you think of our marriage secret?

Response to yesterday’s blog

Posted by random olio

Yesterday I wrote about a book I had a recently read and shared a quote. I received the following comment from Renee at unpackedwriter:

“Great post! Very well written, yet author has not answered the question of the post…Have you gone there? How have you opened that door and revealed or re-revealed yourself as you really are? Hard to make these generalizations, as wonderfully expressed as they are without examples.

And what happens if we change the script of who we are midlife, or begin a slow but unrevealed realization that we’ve been concealing something. Speaking as a woman, I’ve hidden certain types of rarely used “toys” from my husband because they haven’t fit the understood script of who we are together. How does the book address such? Are there examples you are comfortable sharing from your own life?”

I thought today that I would respond to this comment directly in my blog. Thank you for your feedback, Renee. I have definitely gone there. I hide nothing from my husband. We have a completely transparent marriage. If you talked to my friends you would find that I do not go to them with my relationship issues. If there is something that needs to be discussed about my marriage, it is with Chris himself. My marriage is with Chris and not with others in my life, therefore, he should be the one that knows my thoughts, concerns, and feelings. There is not a day that goes by that he does not know what I am thinking and feeling.

If we have had a disagreement, or not communicated well and I am upset, I cannot fall asleep at night. I might go to bed, and try, but I cannot go to sleep. I may have laid there for hours, and if I do and he has fallen asleep, I have to be the brat and wake him up and talk it all out. This rarely happens, because most of the time we over communicate.

Regarding your question about if the book addresses this – the answer is no. Since Shapiro’s book is a compilation of interviews with married or divorced individuals, there were short snippets of ideas and quotes from individuals. The quote I shared was from one individual’s experience. It made me think of individuals in my life that are in relationships, hiding who they really are because they are afraid of losing the person they are dating. I so want them and others in my life to be who they are, and not hide because of the thought of losing someone in their life.

I hope that sheds more light and background on my own personal experience and thoughts. As well as a bit about why it was important to me. Thank you again for taking the time to share your comment and feedback!

What turns you on? What freaks you out?

Posted by random olio

I recently finished the book: “You Can Be Right [or You Can Be Married]” by Dana Adam Shapiro. I wrote a blog post about it recently sharing a quote about whether your eyes light up when kids walk into a room. His book is definitely worth the read if you are contemplating marriage, or wondering if your current relationship will take it to that next level to marriage. Of course I should clarify that I am not looking to change anything in my marriage, I read a great review on his book and decided it might be worth the read. It really is a fairly good book for anyone married or not.

Shapiro interviews many different individuals about their current and past marriages and shares excerpts from these sessions. A recent conversation with a co-worker reminded me of this quote from Shapiro’s book:

“The problem, I think, is that we get so giddy at the prospect of having found ‘the one’ that we airbrush ourselves—and our partners—into a corner. Desperate to connect, we unwittingly self-sabotage through brazen acts of self-promotion, and like most forms of advertising, the pitch distorts the truth. Better to just be honest; every lie requires a lifetime of maintenance. What really turns you on? What really freaks you out? “ page 16

This scares me. We have become so concerned with finding the “one” and not losing them that we turn into someone else. It makes me want to jump up and down in a rant, scream and yell, and beat my chest in hopes that all of you out there that are pretending to be someone else will wake up, hear me, and snap out of it. Be who you are. Be who you are with excitement and glee. If that boy or girl, man or woman is not interested in you, then walk away. Walk away now. It is not worth wasting your time and energy to hide behind yourself. Be honest. Be direct. Be blunt. Be you.

I ask you in my long and meandering rant. Are you telling your spouse, partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, friend what does turn you on or freaks you out? Do you yourself know what turns you on or freaks you out? Are they still there? Good. Do they hold you to it? Do they challenge and push you to keep charging down the road towards what turns you on? Do they hold your hand as you encounter what freaks you out? Do you know and do the same for them? Good.

If you do not know, find out. If you are afraid to open that door, do not wait. Kick that door in. Let it splinter and break. And, leave the airbrush and paint at the fair. Your time is now.