Separate Finances? Shared Finances?

Posted by random olio

I was inspired by this article: “Separate Money Sane Marriage,” and it leads me to ask a question for those of you that might read this blog post. Separate finances vs. Shared finances? What are the pros and cons? I have resisted from doing a google search for everything the experts say. Partly because I think that the experts will be on both sides, and honestly I think that it is different for each couple or partnership. What works for one might not work for another.

I lean on the side of shared finances. I say that because it has worked for us. Maybe it is because of our communication style to talk about everything, including our finances. Maybe it is because when we got married we were broke, in debt, and we worked together to get out of debt, pay off credit cards, and student loans. It evolved into the idea for every facet of our lives: “What is yours is mine, what is mine is yours.” There are ebbs and flows when things we decide for Chris are more expensive or vice versa. That is part of marriage, part of life.

I can respect those that keep their finances separate, but I want to understand more about why. I know for some they might get married when they are older, and just prefer to continue to live their financial life as they have throughout the years. Why do others make that choice? What are the pros and cons?

I am curious to hear what you think! Feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts.

We Do Things Our Own Way

Posted by random olio

It was not love at first sight. When my husband and I first met we did not like each other. I thought Chris was too nice, and I did not trust a man who was so nice. In my experience, men had not been good to me, so a man who was so nice had to be hiding something. I was also not in the greatest ‘man loving’ space in my life at the time, so Chris did not think of me as such a nice woman. Interesting what view we had of each other, and it definitely is a good reminder that you should never judge a book by its cover. After working together for over a year, through many 16 hour days, I left my job. When I did, I realized that what I missed most was Chris. Funny how what you find you liked least is what you miss the most.

on our wedding day

That was over ten years ago. Today we celebrate nine years of marriage. I can hardly believe it. We are each other’s champion, greatest advocate, and many times hardest critic. You might ask why we are each other’s hardest critic. It is because by our union in marriage, our living our life together, we hope to make the world a better place. Sometimes that means saying the hard things. It means telling the other that how they handled a situation was not their finest moment, that they can do better, push harder, ask for more, take a stronger stand. It makes us better individuals, better citizens, and a stronger couple.

If you were to ask me what encapsulates my marriage. I would answer: we do things are own way. We entered our marriage on our own terms in the way we wanted. We did not succumb to other’s opinions of how we should get married. Our wedding was solely about the moments when we made a vow to each other. A vow that has a foundation on trust, love, honesty, and integrity. Some may not have liked the choices we made, and other still may not like the choices we continue to make, but they are ours to make.

Our hope is that if we speak out to make a situation better for those that come after us, that together we are a strong bond that trickles or pours that goodness into the rest of the world. We are rich by the strength of our bond, by our love, our independence, our determination, and our deep love for each other.

Thank you, Chris, for nine wonderful years, and for doing it our way together.

You inside and outside of your marriage

Posted by random olio

Last week I finished reading: “No Cheating, No Dying: I Had a Good Marriage. Then I tried to Make it Better” by Elizabeth Weil. It is an interesting book, a quick read. She has a good marriage and just wonders if there are ways she can make it better. I am in the same boat, although I would not call my marriage good, I would call it exceptional. I know, I am biased, but I just have a great admiration for the communication that happens between my husband and me. Having said all that, there is always room for improvement in any relationship, so I like reading books that could shed light on how I might be able to look at things differently in my marriage and make it that much better.

So a little background. I was very independent when I met my husband. We met at work, and we both remember that we did not really like each other too much. He was too nice to me, and I did not trust that, and he did not like me because I was not nice enough. Go figure. After working very long days together, we got to know each other well, and when I left my job we realized that we missed each other and all the time we spent together. The rest, well, is history in the making. We met almost 11 years ago. We have now been married for almost 9 years. I struggled in the beginning to try to understand who I would be as a wife, while also a strong feminist and very independent. I was not going to be driven in the car (I would drive), I was going to talk to the mechanic about our car, we would share cooking and cleaning, etc.

Over time, we found a balance. He drives (he loves driving and I could care less about the actual driving part) I read and catch up with to-do’s on my phone, I get a report from him about the mechanic, and I no longer cook. Early on I screwed up making pesto and put in way too much garlic. He ate it and smelled for days. Call it love, but it was the beginning of his control of the kitchen. Now I love it and leave him alone when he cooks each night. It is his time. I am the baker. I make the sweet things and the yummy breads and goodies. It all works out. But, it does not mean that I do not wonder if I am balancing who I am independently with who I am in my marriage. Elizabeth and her husband have an agreement: No Cheating, No Dying. My husband and I have a similar strong agreement and have from the very beginning: No cheating, and our trust and honesty in each other is the utmost importance. These questions about balance between being a woman and independent and being a wife is why this quote from Elizabeth’s book resonated with me:

“I was an even less likely candidate than Dan for a wholly merged life. One of my more telling memories of myself as a young woman and of how unbending I was in love happened the evening a new boyfriend wanted to make me a cilantro-lime pesto, and instead of walking with him on that warm spring evening to buy limes, I suggested he run the errand alone. By the time I met Dan, at age twenty-eight, I’d shed some of that rigidity. I knew more about who I was, so I felt more comfortable being swayed. But nearly a decade into marriage, and sincerely hoping to remain married to Dan for many decades more, I did not understand how much I should be swayed by my husband. What algorithm should determine how much I tipped over into the warm bath of our union and how much of myself to keep separate, outside?” page 2.

It is a dilemma many of my married friends have discussed. I love my husband, have excruciatingly high standards for him, and as Elizabeth mentions of Dan, her husband, my husband is the center of my life. Where is the line of who we are as a person, as a woman, and where is that blending of our love for our husbands, our shared desires in marriage and life? I often find that when my husband is traveling I back away into myself. I am quieter and more introspective. Sometimes that is because he is so busy when he travels that we talk briefly sometimes only once a day. I think it is also because I have a different area of space around me when he is away. Maybe for some couples this is not an issue, maybe they lead such separate lives that each individual does not wonder which side of the line they have veered too far across, one that keeps them so remotely independent, or to the side of never being apart from their spouse.

How do you handle independence and closeness with your spouse? How do you ensure you are completely connected, yet also focusing on what makes you keep your groove, what makes you YOU? Would love to hear any insights!