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Anticipation is worse than our fears…

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I am sure each and every one of you have had a moment where you were terrified. You have that “I am going to shit my pants” nervous feeling. Somehow whatever scared you happened, the moment passed, and you went on with your life. Yet, you can remember that terrifying moment. You will never forget it. All the details might begin to fade, but the crucial time stays in your memory forever.

After reading this Fast Company article, “How to be a Success at Everything: The Art and Science of Building Confidence Under Pressure” I got to thinking about anticipation, see this excerpt from the article (bold sections are my own emphasis):

“Stress builds when we are waiting for something to happen. ‘Our anticipation is so much worse than doing the thing you’re afraid of,’ she observes. Instead of procrastinating so much that you lose sleep, take apart the situation, think it over logically and get it over with as soon as possible. ‘You are going to survive this,’ Williams says. Stress can be a great thing, she says, because it signals that you are doing something challenging.”

My guess is that a large part of the time when we have a moment that we are terrified, it is the anticipation that makes us freaked out. Once we get through the heat of the moment, and we look back and say “that was not as bad as a I thought it would be.” You might even go back and decide to do it all over again, no longer afraid. Anticipation allows us to dream, ponder, and potentially agonize over what may, could, should happen so that when the moment actually happens we have processed all the woulda, shoulda, coulda responses. It makes us feel safer. Rather than go into a terrifying moment blind, anticipation makes us feel like we are slightly more prepared.

Is it all a waste of time? Are we more prepared? I think it is good to have the oh shit moments once in a while. It keeps us on our toes, and leaves us feeling more alive. What do you think?

Surprisologist.

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A surprisologist. I like it. I am probably the worst person to be called a surprisologist. One year for Chris’ birthday I planned a trip to San Francisco. As it got closer to the trip I could not contain the surprise, I just had to tell him. Partly I wanted him to be able to get excited by our trip and start to think about whether there were any special places he might want to go, and partly I just could not contain my surprise any longer. How did I break the news to him? I told him I wanted him to open a birthday gift early, and I wrapped a box of Rice-a-Roni “a San Francisco treat” and asked if he could guess his gift. I no longer remember his face or response, but let me just let you know the moral is I am not good with surprises.

I recently read a Ted blog about a woman (Tania Luna) who is a surprisologist. She has started a company called Surprise Industries and well let’s just say she has me curious. One of the things she lists in the TED blog is how we always surround ourselves with what is comfortable, with people we know, and that we rarely break outside of our comfort zone and find ways to meet new people (and well get excited about it).

What could you do that would add a little surprise to your life? Maybe it is a little thing to surprise your spouse or kids once in a while, or maybe it is adding flavor to how you engage with others. Take that belly dancing class, hip hop, or heck, go country line dancing. In this quote from the article, Luna tells us that surprises can teach us to grow and reach:

“Few people follow their dreams or take positive risks — not because it’s difficult or even scary, but because we avoid that sensation of uncertainty that we call awkwardness. Learn to love it. Remind yourself that discomfort means you are growing AND reaching someplace special that few people dare to go. Try a hobby that looks awful. Talk to a stranger.”

I would lose count of the number of people who avoid awkwardness. Who likes feeling awkward? However, feeling awkward could lead to feeling brave. Feeling brave can lead you to feeling badass. Who does not want to feel badass? I am not saying you have to go pet snakes if they freak you out. Maybe just go introduce yourself to a stranger at your next charity function or company picnic. I know I have work to do. Whether or not I can keep a surprise inside, I could definitely add some flavor to the surprise I bring to my world. What about you?

You are responsible for you.

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I have wanted to frame the quote: “You are responsible for the energy you bring into this home.” I think of that idea often. It can translate into so many other places. “You are responsible for the energy you bring to this company, this job, this friendship, this marriage.” We are each responsible for our own energy. Do you think about that before entering or responding to a situation? Do you put yourself first, and think responsibly about the state of your energy before helping or saying: “Yes” to others? It will matter and help or hinder your ability to respond appropriately.

You are in the driver’s seat. Sometimes I think we forget that. We think “well I could not get out of this situation, it happened, it was bad timing.” Sometimes that might be true, but other times we have a choice, and we either forget, or do not challenge ourselves to be our best selves. You do truly create each moment of your day. Well…actually, you create how you react to each moment of each day. The best way to do so is to put yourself first. It is not selfish, it is self-care to make sure you are grounded and prepared to handle any curve balls that are thrown your way. I recently caught up on a stack of old Fast Company magazines, and found this article by Devora Zack. The article is about managers that suck, which is funny because I am not at all interested in the title of the article, but found this great quote, on what we can focus on, and control. It could be popped right out of the article and speak for itself:

“In fact, you only directly control three things in the entire world. Interestingly, none of these are other people. You are in charge of your thoughts, your words, and your actions. That’s it. Most of us neglect these three key items, however. Instead we direct our precious, limited energy on thinking and talking about how others should be different. This is fruitless and even lazy. As long as I’m focused on what’s wrong with you, I don’t need to pay any attention to improving me.”

As Zack states, we have control over our thoughts, words, and actions. We probably all know that already. We just forget about it. Together let’s focus our energy on what matters. Focus on our ourselves, and watch the energy we bring into each conversation. I have a hunch that the more you focus on it the more aware you will be on how you handle your energy in good and bad situations.

Why skip engaging?

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Engagement is incredibly important to me. It matters in so many areas of life. Of course you can imagine that I will tell you that engagement matters in my marriage, you better believe it does! Focused conversation, feeling heard, and a give-and-take engaged conversation is what makes for a happy and successful marriage. Without that what is the point? I want to know that I am always paying attention and engaged in Chris’ life, that he is doing the same for me. When it becomes part of your every day, it is not hard, it becomes part of you.

Engaging with others also matters at work. Do you pay attention to your co-workers or employees? Do you listen and engage in their questions and ideas? Or do you come to a meeting with the decision already made and only bring them in so they think you care? When I read Seth Godin’s recent blog: “The hard work of understanding” I thought “Godin gets it right again.” The full excerpt of his post is here, (the bold lines for my own emphasis):

“Sometimes, we’re so eager to have an opinion that we skip the step of working to understand. Why is it the way it is? Why do they believe what they believe? We skip reading the whole thing, because it’s easier to jump to what we assume the writer meant. We skip engaging with customers and stakeholders because it’s quicker to assert we know what they want. We skip doing the math, examining the footnotes, recreating the experiment, because it might not turn out the way we need it to. We better hurry, because the firstest, loudest, angriest opinion might sway the crowd. And of course, it’s so much easier now, because we all own our own media companies.”

It makes me think that when we try to move through our lives so fast, we miss others along the way. We miss engaging with them, connecting with them, we miss understanding them. Instead of going through each day, each meeting, so fast, what if we focused, listened, connected, and engaged with others? I think it is doable, sometimes we just need to stop, breathe, and think about what experience we bring to those around us. Are you with me?

Is toast the new cupcake?

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I continue to see articles about toast. Yes, that is what I said… toast! It is turning into the newest fad. $3, $5, $7 slices of thick toast. Some with cinnamon and sugar, others with jelly, or other savory toppings. It is locally made, and sliced thickly, and toasted to perfection. Much of my research shows that this new toast trend first popped up in the San Francisco area, but is starting to make its way across the country.

It is a funny thing when you think about it. Of all the crazes, cupcakes and cronuts, even locally made ice cream with crazy ingredients are all things that are a bit more complicated to make at home. Yet, toast, one of the easiest items to make in your kitchen is now a luxury item in bakeries, cafes, and restaurants. Maybe it is just a current fad and will not last.

An article on ABC states:

“The Mill’s offerings change often, but selections, priced up to $3.75 per slice, can be country bread with butter, maple syrup, powdered sugar and sea salt, or whole wheat bread with house made pumpkin butter. The trend has spread to Los Angeles, where Sqirl charges $7 for thick-cut local “burnt” brioche bread topped with house made ricotta and seasonal jam, and New York City, where The Smile offers buttered multigrain toast with local honey, raspberry jam or almond butter for $3.75.”

A group in San Francisco is even petitioning the mayor to get the cost of living under control, blaming the tech community for having the ability to purchase luxury items such as a piece of $7 toast. Wow, what is the world coming to these days? I am not saying I am against $7 toast, I think we should each decide for ourselves what we purchase. I am not one that would want to purchase a piece of $7 if I could purchase a whole loaf for that price. Call me cheap, or thrifty, I just think a bit more about the economy of things. If I did fork over $7 it better be a damn good piece of toast.

What do you think about the new toast craze?