Tell someone you love them.

Posted by random olio

Feeling vulnerable. Feeling safe. Which one drives the choices you make on a day-to-day basis? Over the past ten years I have gone from being guarded, closed, and keeping things inside, to being so transparent I probably make others wince. I have no filter, and say what is on my mind. Yet, I know there are people in my life that I do not tell enough how much they mean to me, and how much I love them.

I did not grow up in a lovey-dovey house. In his final few years my dad was a hugger, but it erked me. I could not remember him being like that when I was a kid, and he had so much anger and depression stored inside him I did not know if the hugs were genuine, or if it was his way to try to keep what was left of our family together. What is funny about growing up in an environment of non lovey-doviness, is that it is harder for me to be that way with family (of course with the exception of Chris and I imagine my future little ones). My future little one(s) most likely will get annoyed with my over the top, make sure they know I love them, gushy momness.

Yes, I am going to share another quote from “Bread & Wine” because it is just a great, wholesome book. Her thoughts on love and vulnerability made me think and ponder. It made me question why I sometimes hold my family a bit of a distance away, and why it is easier for me to bring friends, colleagues, and others to a closer distance. I am not going to tell you my findings, as I think they are still percolating within my thoughts, but wanted to share this quote in hopes that it might inspire you to think about those moments that happen where you can tell those close to you why you love them, and why they matter in your life.

“The heart of hospitality is creating space for these moments, protecting that fragile bubble of vulnerability and truth and love. It’s all too rare that we tell the people we love exactly why we love them—what they bring to our lives, why our lives are richer because they’re in it. We do it best, I think, with our nuclear family—most of us tell our children and spouses how much we love them easily and often.” Page 176

We do not solve our insecurities all at once in life, but I appreciate when the thoughts from an author or friend encourage us to look freshly at our life each day and find how we can do one little thing to pull apart the onion layers of our vulnerability, our fears, and our past issues, and look a little more closely at who we are and what scares us. Hopefully, it makes our life richer, more vibrant, lively, and connects us to what matters most.

#tellsomeoneyoulovethem

Proof that you are loved.

Posted by random olio

I recently finished reading a book called: “Proof of Heaven” by Eben Alexander. It is an interesting book. I wanted to share one of the quotes from Alexander’s book that most resonated with me:

“You are loved. Those words are what I needed to hear as an orphan, as a child who’d been given away. But it’s also what every one of us in this materialistic age needs to hear as well, because in terms of who we really are, where we come from, and where we’re really going, we all feel (wrongly) like orphans.” Page 170

The author was adopted and at one point in his life had tried to find his birth parents, only to be told they were not interested in meeting him. He felt like an orphan all over again. Yet, in many ways whether we have lost our parents or not, if we do not feel loved, the result feels orphan-like. I had a professor in college that used to tell me: “You are loved, loving, lovable, needed, wanted, and useful. Right now.” She somehow always knew when I needed to hear those words. There were times in my life (college being one of them) when I did not hear the words “I love you” too often. Yet, those were the words I craved the most. We crave them when we need them the most. When you know you are loved, when you feel it, you do not question it. When you do not feel loved, you feel alone, on your own, and sometimes out in the wilderness.

It would be easy to say that you should know who you are, love yourself, and only then can you love others. That might be true, but before we can truly hold the comfort and confidence of who we are, we have to know, understand, and feel what love truly is, and what it feels like. Each individual understands what being loved feels like, some of us might have had the experience span our entire lifetime, and it might have been more intermittent for others, but we could not have continued living without understanding and knowing how being loved feels.

I often wonder if those committing evil acts today truly understood love? If they did, would they take a different road? If anger, misunderstanding, and revenge were replaced with love, the world would be a very different place.

What do you think?

Give a little love…

Posted by random olio

Love. Love. Love. Giving a little love is never too late. I believe that love is truly the answer to so many problems. For those that are depressed, angry, or lost love could be the answer.

Most of the time when we struggle in life, when we feel loved, appreciated, and seen we find the answers we need. If that is true, what could we do to share love more each and every day? What could you do with your family, at work, with your friends? If we knew that sharing love in everything we do could transform others, would we do it? Would you? If it breaks boundaries and removes miscommunications, would you lead the way with love? If you said yes, then how do we do it? I love this quote from Brene Brown:

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.”

The idea of being vulnerable and showing our true selves has been a recent inspiration to me. If we show our true selves in the most raw and real way, how can love not surround us? Are we afraid that it will not? It is not possible. Love is always around us, we just need to stop and witness it. Most of the time, love is surrounding us in ways we cannot imagine. We just need to open our eyes, look around, and appreciate it. A few friends shared this on Valentines Day and I wanted to share it. When you watch it, I hope it reminds you that love is there each moment of your day.

An example of: Grace, Patience, and Calm

Posted by random olio

I know I already gush about my husband, but many times my blogs just come right out of my fingertips without my knowing what I am going to say. This blog is a tribute to my husband.

I follow David Kanigan’s blog. This one on Grace really resonated with me. While it is a letter to a colleague of David’s that was retiring, the ideas he shared can apply to anyone. See my husband is a very patient man. It takes a lot, and I mean a lot to press his buttons. He is not going to yell and cuss at the guy that rudely drives past when he is already backing out of his parking space, he just shakes his head, waits, and then finishes backing up the car. He is not going to give someone the middle finger for cutting him off in traffic, or for being the one that takes the only parking space left, even when he is the one pulling into it first.

my better half

My husband is gentle, patient, and he keeps his cool. I am in awe. I am not always one to keep my cool. I am the one to yell when someone cuts me off in traffic, I am the backseat driver, and often a trash talker. (I know the other car cannot hear me, but it still feels good to let it out.) Chris always asks me, “do you feel better now?” or “did it help to go crazy telling them off when they cannot hear you?” Yes and yes. Chris on the other hand has grace. He might not like that I am stating that he is graceful, as I think many men might think that word has more connotations of something feminine, but sorry Chris, it is the truth. I love this quote from William Hazlett:

“Gracefulness has been defined to be the outward expression of the inward harmony of the soul.”

Chris, thank you for being an example to me for what is possible, and for being my conscience and my reminder that we can be better each day. As I said earlier, I am in awe of your strong example of grace.

My marriage secret: 51/49

Posted by random olio

If you are married, you will probably understand what I am about to tell you. You know that Sunday afternoon when it is slightly cold out, but it is past time to clear the leaves out of the gutters? When you ask your husband if maybe this is the day to clean them out, and they look at you with raised eyebrows because they know it is:

a) a good day for it

b) past time for it to be done

c) they do not want to get on the roof and clean the gutters

d) they know you are right

You say to your husband: “51/49” which equates to: time to clean the gutters.

You might ask: What is this 51/49? Chris and I have a little mantra for our marriage that we joke about together. “51/49” is what we call it. Basically the short and dirty of it is that I have 51% say and he has 49% say in decisions. I know what you are thinking. Either: “That is not fair” or “Wow, lucky woman.” Whatever you are thinking, save it. It works for us. Chris has always had the idea in his mind: “Happy wife; happy life.” You can guess correctly that I like it. I have the most wonderful husband (I already know I do so you do not have to tell me).

You may ask why I am telling you this – especially when I have also just told you that he only gets 49% say. Well, in the end 51/49 is our inside joke. It is our decision-making motto. Yes, there are many decisions that we make together. Definitely the big ones, buying a house, moving to a different city, making large purchases, you know the drill. Yet, on the day-to-day level, I often plot out the plan for our life. I carve out what is next, make a plan, and divvy up the details for us both to execute. Partly because I am on point for driving us forward with those plans, I often use 51/49 to make sure things happen. If we are torn about where to have dinner and I have a strong opinion, I might mention 51/49. With a grin on his face, and the knowledge that it is our little joke, Chris might lean my way. Or, he might decide to bring his own plan to the mix and test my 51/49. Yes, it is fun, and yes, it has proven very effective in our marriage.

51/49 is also a reminder to us to take good care of each other. I try just as hard to look out for and pamper Chris as he does for me. We do it in different ways, but we love to find ways to make sure we both share in living a happy life together.

I grew up in a family where my father made the decisions (whether right, smart, wrong, or not thought through), while my mom did almost everything in the house. It was always evident to me that my dad made the decisions. It was his way or the highway. I knew I never wanted to be in that kind of marriage. First, I am too strong-willed. Second, I wanted to be in a relationship where we shared and made decisions together. 51/49 works for us.

What do you think of our marriage secret?