“What My Mother Gave Me”

Posted by random olio

I wonder what my mom would think of me today. If we could have a conversation, what would she tell me? Would she say she was grateful that I have been given many opportunities, maybe many more than she ever had? I just finished reading “What My Mother Gave Me: Thirty-one Women on the Gifts That Mattered Most” Edited by Elizabeth Benedict. It has many short vignettes from different women who are authors and journalists, who share the gift their mother gave them. Some of their mothers are still alive and others have lost their moms. I related to some, and did not have the experience of others. Ann Hood was one author that made me think and ponder about my own mom:

“A mother’s love is like that. I know this now that I’m a mother. We give our children the best of ourselves so that they can find the best of what is in them. The day I rejected the gift of the white suit, I got the best gift of all. My mother let me know that I had finally become that person I’d dreamed of becoming: a girl who spoke her mind, who was independent and opinionated. A girl who knew who she was and what she wanted. A girl who would not wear an all-white pants suit. And by recognizing that, she gave me permission to go into my own mismatched future. What a gift.” Page 59

While my mother never had the opportunity to see and spend time with me once I found my voice, I hope that when I was a kid I was as feisty as I am now. My sister I suppose could attest to that. Or maybe that came later in life. I do know that I now speak my mind, am definitely opinionated, know who I am, and usually know what I want. So after finishing “What My Mother Gave Me” I wanted to figure out what I would say about what my mother gave me.

It is a tough one for me. I really have no material possessions from my mom. The only things that allow me to remember her are what are left of our family photos. She must have been off cleaning and taking care of us, or she was the one taking the photos, because she is in very few of the photos. The gift my mom gave me was taking care of people. I watched her do it. Whether it was the children in her at-home day care, or older women at church, my grandma, us kids, her classroom at school, neighborhood children, she was always taking care of someone. Chris often reminds me that I need to take care of me first before extending myself so much. After reading this book, I realized that was the gift my mom gave me.

What about you? Do you know the gift your mother gave you?

Making sense of the world

Posted by random olio

We tell the stories of our lives to remember, laugh, and ponder where we have been and where we are going. We learn from each other, grow, and try not to make the same mistakes. Stories enrich us. We hear how someone else moves about the world, how they interact with their family and friends, and how they endure the good times and the bad. We laugh with them, we cry with them, and we relate in ways we sometimes cannot imagine.

I just finished reading: “If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother” by Julia Sweeney. If you are not familiar with Julia, she was “It’s Pat” on Saturday Night Live. Her book is a memoir and heavily focuses on her experience adopting a daughter from China. She is a blunt and humorous writer. I appreciated reading her book. It is just raw, real, and to the point. Her comments about telling stories resonated with me:

“I think my urge to perform, and specifically to perform true stories from my own life, is my way of coping. Just like alcohol is for some people. But the storytelling urge is not particular to the Irish. It’s in everyone. In fact it’s how our brains, every single one of our brains–not particular to any ethnicity–makes sense of the world. We tell ourselves how it all went, how this happened and how that happened and how it could happen in the future.” page 238

Is that what storytelling is for each of us? A litany of events, dates, and experiences that we tell as we make sense of the world? Yes, and so much more. I often write to make sense of my world. As the words come out of my fingertips I often connect thoughts and ideas and have aha moments. I realize what bothers me, find solutions to problems, and feel gratitude for the good parts of my day.

For me looking back at my past, at the stories of my life, help me to better understand myself and how I tick. Since both of my parents have passed on, and my grandparents are gone, I am on my own to put the pieces of my past together. I have asked my sister or brother how they remember an event, and yet their memory is much different from my memory of a specific event. That makes sense, as we each look out from our own perspectives. Since I cannot call my mom up and ask her about my first words, or how I handled a specific event in my life, I have to rely on my own memories. They may be flawed or off from the actual details but in the end, it is still the story I remember that has molded me into who I am today. As biased as my perspective might be, the feelings I had in each experience shaped how I handled future events.

Our story, our view on the world, is how we make sense and process who we are. Keep telling your story.

I hope she is proud.

Posted by random olio

Another year has gone by and Sunday is, yet again, another Mother’s Day. I am still not yet a mother myself. Each year, I have a bit of nostalgia and a bit of numbness for a day that comes each year. It has been 19 years since I have celebrated Mother’s Day with my mom. It is hard to believe that it has been almost two decades. How is that even possible? I struggle with the concept that I have spent more of my life without my mom then I ever spent with her in my life.

my mama

Has it made me independent? Hell yeah. Has it made me miss her? Hell yeah. I have often been asked by others: “What is the hardest part about losing a loved one?” Many think it is the days and weeks surrounding their passing. Yes, that part is hard. What is harder? The months later. For a child, it might be a future “bring mom to school” day. For a teenager, it might be going to prom and wishing their mom was there to see them off, or wishing their loved one was there to watch them receive their diploma. Whatever the situation, it can be incredibly hard months and often years later when the depths of pain and sadness rip you apart in ways you never expected.

I can tell you this from experience. The day before my wedding, Chris and I made the decision to get married — just the two of us on a beach in Hawaii. It felt so right for us to start this stage of our life together, just us saying our vows together. No fluff, no commitments to others, just two lives joining together. That day, before we got married, I got sad. I had no idea I would miss my mom so much. Just thinking about it almost ten years later I have tears streaming down my face. I wanted her to be able to watch me with pride join my life with Chris, and yet I had no idea her absence would be so hard for me until that moment when I was preparing for my special day.

Chris might have thought my oddness that day meant I was afraid of getting married and that I might back out of our wedding. Yet, I was not afraid of marrying Chris, I was just sad. I had no idea the absence of my mom would hit me so hard on such a happy time in my life. I do not remember if I missed my dad that day, only that my mom should have been there and watched me marry this wonderful man.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I hope you can see all that I have become in life and all that I have. I am a grateful daughter with so much to be thankful for every day. Life has not always been easy, but I have learned so much along the way. It has made me speak up, say what is on my mind (whether Chris likes it or not) and I think you would be proud.

Bring On: “The Motherhood”

Posted by random olio

I know I have been sharing lots of videos lately, and in the world of blogging that is considered cheating. However, I am someone who cannot resist telling others about a good thing. If it makes me laugh, think differently, or learn something new about myself then it is worth sharing. This video made me laugh. A colleague at work shared it with me and I proceeded to laugh during the entire 3 minutes. It is a perfect little rap for moms. Since Mother’s Day is coming up, I thought I would brighten your Friday, because honoring mom’s should happen more than just on a Sunday in May.

The video was created by Fiat. I love that so many companies have decided to do social commentary on issues that have nothing to do with cars. That comment was partly sarcastic, because sometimes I find it annoying, and yet in the past few years there have been great ads that make us laugh and cry (thank you Jeep and Volkswagon).

Get out your mom jeans, bring your snot stained sack, get in your SUV, and wipe off those sticky hands.

Happy Friday, and enjoy your weekend!

Transported by a song?

Posted by random olio

We listened to music in the kitchen a lot this weekend. A song came on Spotify and instantly I was transported to October 2012, while on a run in my new neighborhood. We had yet to fix our treadmill after our move so I instantly got to know the homes and street in our neighborhood. The song that was constantly repeating on my iPhone while I ran? “Shine bright like a diamond” by Rihanna. When I hear that song, I instantly think of moving into our new home.

As I mixed ingredients to make cookies, my mind started to wander to other moments in my life when a song was on repeat so much that a specific event always brings a song to my mind. I remembered a job I had almost 11 years ago. I was a recruiter at a staffing firm, and over and over was asked to lie to potential clients in order for the company to make the most money out of each placement. I would go to my car at lunch and cry. I would go home at the end of the day and cry. Honesty and integrity are the core of my identity, and I struggled so much to be me at this job. The song that was on repeat in my car, on the way to work, during lunch, and on my way home? “Clearest Indication” by Great Big Sea. Interesting that the title is Clearest Indication, could it be any clearer to me? Yes, it is about someone who has been left by another, but somehow I think it was what I needed to hear. I needed to leave, and I did.

Every time I hear the song “Always on my mind” by Pet Shop Boys, I think of my mom and my brother. I remember when my mom died in the hospital. On one day that week I was with my brother in his black Chevy Blazer and this was the song he had on repeat on his car CD player. If I remember correctly it was on repeat for weeks. I knew it was what he needed to hear as his heart ached at the loss of our mom. That song will always remind me of those days surrounding my mom’s death.

We all have songs that leave memories ingrained in our thoughts and hearts. It might have been the song playing when you met your life partner, or what you selected to play at your wedding, it might have been during that aha moment in your car when you made the decision of your life. Music impacts us sometimes in ways we do not even realize until we look back and ponder how we have been changed by it.