Communication

Stay out of it.

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I was thinking the other day how easy it is to get sucked into other people’s drama. Whether they are having issues with their husband, are frustrated with a co-worker, or feel stuck in their job, it is easy to get pulled down with them. We cannot go there with them. What they need (and what we need if we are feeling similar) is to have someone stay strong and pull them out of the muck. Bring them over from negativity and poopiness to view the good that is happening in their life.

What came to me when I was thinking about this, was how I can stay strong and resilient in those moments, listen, be present, and share a good way to spin their situation. There is always a lawn that is greener, a life that looks more attractive, and a work environment that seems more perfect. Yet, most of us have so much good already right in front of us. We choose to not focus on it. We choose to look at the frustrating co-worker, the fights with our husband, or the dead-end job. I am not saying to not work through those things in your life, I just mean that when things feel shitty, be sure to focus on the good. It will get you through those times. Gratitude has an amazing effect on keeping us grounded and balanced.

Sometimes all it takes in those moments is to get quiet and stay focused on what is important on that day or in that moment. Sometimes my mantra is to remind myself: “Stay out of it.” There are times when it is easy to get pulled into the negativity and the drama, and when we know we just cannot help, we cannot get pulled in, that is when I tell myself to stay out of it. I try to not encourage a conversation, or ask leading questions. I stay focused on what I need to do, and where I need to focus. I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes we just need to have self-preservation to make it through the day.

What do you think?

Making sense of the world

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We tell the stories of our lives to remember, laugh, and ponder where we have been and where we are going. We learn from each other, grow, and try not to make the same mistakes. Stories enrich us. We hear how someone else moves about the world, how they interact with their family and friends, and how they endure the good times and the bad. We laugh with them, we cry with them, and we relate in ways we sometimes cannot imagine.

I just finished reading: “If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother” by Julia Sweeney. If you are not familiar with Julia, she was “It’s Pat” on Saturday Night Live. Her book is a memoir and heavily focuses on her experience adopting a daughter from China. She is a blunt and humorous writer. I appreciated reading her book. It is just raw, real, and to the point. Her comments about telling stories resonated with me:

“I think my urge to perform, and specifically to perform true stories from my own life, is my way of coping. Just like alcohol is for some people. But the storytelling urge is not particular to the Irish. It’s in everyone. In fact it’s how our brains, every single one of our brains–not particular to any ethnicity–makes sense of the world. We tell ourselves how it all went, how this happened and how that happened and how it could happen in the future.” page 238

Is that what storytelling is for each of us? A litany of events, dates, and experiences that we tell as we make sense of the world? Yes, and so much more. I often write to make sense of my world. As the words come out of my fingertips I often connect thoughts and ideas and have aha moments. I realize what bothers me, find solutions to problems, and feel gratitude for the good parts of my day.

For me looking back at my past, at the stories of my life, help me to better understand myself and how I tick. Since both of my parents have passed on, and my grandparents are gone, I am on my own to put the pieces of my past together. I have asked my sister or brother how they remember an event, and yet their memory is much different from my memory of a specific event. That makes sense, as we each look out from our own perspectives. Since I cannot call my mom up and ask her about my first words, or how I handled a specific event in my life, I have to rely on my own memories. They may be flawed or off from the actual details but in the end, it is still the story I remember that has molded me into who I am today. As biased as my perspective might be, the feelings I had in each experience shaped how I handled future events.

Our story, our view on the world, is how we make sense and process who we are. Keep telling your story.

Were you raised on fairy tales?

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I recently wrote about whether you should tell you kids about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I wonder though about fairy tales. Are they different?

I do not remember my parents pushing fairy tales on me, but, I do remember reading my share of them. Did I believe them? I do not remember. I had an imagination as a kid, but I am not sure it was specifically from fairy tales, mostly I think my imagination because of the volume of books I read. I grew up without a television, so my life was interesting through what and where I explored outside, the individuals (they were characters!) I met on my paper route, and what I read in books. Sure I watched television and movies, but only at friend’s houses or when I stayed with my grandma.

The books that I read led me to write. I made up stories all the time. Whether they were good or not is another thing. I still have all of them, but have not snuggled on the couch with warm tea and pulled them out to go over what my little self wrote about. I am sure I will be amused. I can remember one was a mystery and had a detective, and another about a girl president. Who knows where I got those ideas. I am sure many of the books I read as a kid kindled that fire that made me want to write.

Which is why I liked this informative blog post about how great leaders are birthed from fairy tales. This post shares how exposure to fairy tales, means you just might be imaginative, have critical thinking skills, and are creative. It also shares the words of Albert Einstein:

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”

I love it. For those of you that are parents out there, bring out the fairy tales. Allow your kids to ask questions, dream, and wonder about what is possible. You never know what Hansel and Gretel might mean for your adventurous son, and Cinderella for your beautiful daughter. I think fairy tales start conversations about what is true, what could be, and what should be. I never had those conversations with my parents, but hey maybe you will.

Make their day, make my day…

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Have you ever thought about starting your day by thinking about how you might make someone else’s day? We go through our day going from meeting to meeting, or down a checklist of the many items we need to accomplish. Often we do not have time to think about getting lunch, let alone think about someone else and the full day we have ahead of us.

What would it look like, feel like, be like if you thought about how you might make another individual you encounter have a better day? What would you do? Instead of jumping right into your computer, emails, and meetings, might you ask a co-worker about their weekend? I often think that we get to work and start out on a hamster wheel, only to get out at 5, get into our car and drive home. Other days we might actually get out of our hamster wheel and truly focus and interact with others. On the days we get out of the hamster wheel, break routine, and engage and connect with those we see everyday we might just find that we see a glimmer of how we can be present for others.

I wonder if we started our day thinking of others, if the mood and focus would be different. We might rush less, breathe more, and appreciate our surroundings that much more. We could find that by thinking of others more, they think of us more. Like a boomerang effect of good will.

Are you with me?

Shift

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I felt off last night. Do you ever have those days when things do not feel right, you feel out of sorts, but for the life of you, you cannot figure out why? Sometimes when I am in that space, I can get cranky, and other times I just feel quiet and introspective. As I was stretching after my run, I pondered if something had happened in my day that might have led me to feel this way. No dice. Nothing came to me clearly. How was I going to get out of my funk? I had gone for a run which usually helped. No luck.

As I continued to stretch the thought came to me, maybe your funk has to do with what you are not focusing on. Hmm. Interesting concept. I then remembered the different conversations I had, ones about specific internal work politics, which can sometimes irk me. I could review all that junk with you, but I will not bore you with the details. What was cool about this post-run/stretch was that when I shifted my thoughts to what I had not been focusing on, I realized I was not directing my thoughts to the right parts of my day.

When I enter that window where I can see my thought shifting the word that always comes to me is: gratitude. It is always that instant ah-ha moment that reminds me I have been mulling over the crappy stuff. If I were to reflect on my day I would say that I was grateful to catch up on a ton of work that I had not had the opportunity to sit and focus on for days. Sometimes it is the smallest of things that can start us down the path to move us from grump to a smile.

If only every day, we could have the clarity of thought to flip a coin and look at the other side. We can have that clarity, but do we do it? Now I cannot tell you that after all that I felt 100%. Instead I think I started the shift internally. Sometimes you have to see how to change course, call it a day, sleep well, and start fresh the next day.

Happy holiday weekend to you!