Pay when you put yourself down?

Posted by random olio

My sister recently posted this article to Facebook. It is a Huffington Post article titled: “How We’re Paying For Putting Ourselves Down (And Why We’ll Pay For You To Say Something Nice!)” (The Huffington Post link is not working, so the above link is from Stylelist). It is a great article. It really made me think. It discusses how women cut themselves down and say things like: “I feel so fat” (you know the list that goes on and on). If they say such things about themselves they have to put money in a jar. The article then suggests the money going to an organization that supports girls called: Girls, Inc. I am just as much to blame for saying such things to myself. I will need to start my own jar. Maybe I should add a jar for my bad language too.

It reminds me of something I think about often when I am around children, (little girls mostly but that does not mean it does not apply to little boys). You know when you first greet a little girl, and they are wearing the cutest dress? You say: “oh you look so cute” or “you are so pretty” or “what a pretty dress.” When you approach a little boy, do you comment on their appearance? I imagine it is much rarer. I read in a book a few months ago (and I wish I could remember which book) where the author discusses how she has changed her tune in talking to younger girls (more in the range of toddler age). The author gave an example of a time recently at a friend’s house where she was interacting with their young daughter. She was very careful not to comment on the girl’s clothes or appearance, but rather she got down on their level and asks them what they like to do. Saying something like: “Do you like to read?” The little girl got excited and answered in the affirmative. So this author said: “could you bring me your favorite book and read to me?” After spending some time together reading, the author said she acknowledged this young girl by saying what a great reader she was and discussing the ideas in the book. To her it felt like acknowledging this little girl for something she truly enjoyed, and not the dress she was wearing.

I have vowed to attempt that in my interactions with little ones (really it should be the same for boys too). However, I sometimes find it hard. Sometimes a little girl wants to talk to you about her dress, or the bows in her hair. She wants to show you her doll or how she knows how to brush the doll’s hair. So, in those cases I take the cues from the little girls, rather than putting the idea in their heads that what I notice and comment about them is their dress, or pretty curls. Although regardless of gender, I will call out when a child has a beautiful smile, because that is something we should never lose and I think acknowledging it matters.

My hope is that if we approach little girls differently, just maybe they will not need a “I Promise to Stop Saying Negative Things about my Body Jar.” Maybe they will be proud of their bodies, because we will raise them to focus on who they are and not by their looks, hair, and bodies.

Hopeful in Portland.

You inside and outside of your marriage

Posted by random olio

Last week I finished reading: “No Cheating, No Dying: I Had a Good Marriage. Then I tried to Make it Better” by Elizabeth Weil. It is an interesting book, a quick read. She has a good marriage and just wonders if there are ways she can make it better. I am in the same boat, although I would not call my marriage good, I would call it exceptional. I know, I am biased, but I just have a great admiration for the communication that happens between my husband and me. Having said all that, there is always room for improvement in any relationship, so I like reading books that could shed light on how I might be able to look at things differently in my marriage and make it that much better.

So a little background. I was very independent when I met my husband. We met at work, and we both remember that we did not really like each other too much. He was too nice to me, and I did not trust that, and he did not like me because I was not nice enough. Go figure. After working very long days together, we got to know each other well, and when I left my job we realized that we missed each other and all the time we spent together. The rest, well, is history in the making. We met almost 11 years ago. We have now been married for almost 9 years. I struggled in the beginning to try to understand who I would be as a wife, while also a strong feminist and very independent. I was not going to be driven in the car (I would drive), I was going to talk to the mechanic about our car, we would share cooking and cleaning, etc.

Over time, we found a balance. He drives (he loves driving and I could care less about the actual driving part) I read and catch up with to-do’s on my phone, I get a report from him about the mechanic, and I no longer cook. Early on I screwed up making pesto and put in way too much garlic. He ate it and smelled for days. Call it love, but it was the beginning of his control of the kitchen. Now I love it and leave him alone when he cooks each night. It is his time. I am the baker. I make the sweet things and the yummy breads and goodies. It all works out. But, it does not mean that I do not wonder if I am balancing who I am independently with who I am in my marriage. Elizabeth and her husband have an agreement: No Cheating, No Dying. My husband and I have a similar strong agreement and have from the very beginning: No cheating, and our trust and honesty in each other is the utmost importance. These questions about balance between being a woman and independent and being a wife is why this quote from Elizabeth’s book resonated with me:

“I was an even less likely candidate than Dan for a wholly merged life. One of my more telling memories of myself as a young woman and of how unbending I was in love happened the evening a new boyfriend wanted to make me a cilantro-lime pesto, and instead of walking with him on that warm spring evening to buy limes, I suggested he run the errand alone. By the time I met Dan, at age twenty-eight, I’d shed some of that rigidity. I knew more about who I was, so I felt more comfortable being swayed. But nearly a decade into marriage, and sincerely hoping to remain married to Dan for many decades more, I did not understand how much I should be swayed by my husband. What algorithm should determine how much I tipped over into the warm bath of our union and how much of myself to keep separate, outside?” page 2.

It is a dilemma many of my married friends have discussed. I love my husband, have excruciatingly high standards for him, and as Elizabeth mentions of Dan, her husband, my husband is the center of my life. Where is the line of who we are as a person, as a woman, and where is that blending of our love for our husbands, our shared desires in marriage and life? I often find that when my husband is traveling I back away into myself. I am quieter and more introspective. Sometimes that is because he is so busy when he travels that we talk briefly sometimes only once a day. I think it is also because I have a different area of space around me when he is away. Maybe for some couples this is not an issue, maybe they lead such separate lives that each individual does not wonder which side of the line they have veered too far across, one that keeps them so remotely independent, or to the side of never being apart from their spouse.

How do you handle independence and closeness with your spouse? How do you ensure you are completely connected, yet also focusing on what makes you keep your groove, what makes you YOU? Would love to hear any insights!

the happily married couple 🙂

40th Anniversary of Women allowed to run the Boston Marathon

Posted by random olio

I subscribe to Runner’s World, and I find some of the articles interesting, some helpful, and some I just skim. I recently read an article on running “Heros.” The one that intrigued me the most was Kathrine Switzer. As a newer runner and a woman, I should probably already know about Kathrine Switzer, however, I had not heard of her. So I wanted to share her story with you. It is Woman’s History month, and Kathrine has definitely made history for all women.

In 1967, “Switzer became the first woman to officially enter and run the Boston Marathon. She registered using her then-standard signature, K.V. Switzer. But near mile two, race official Jock Semple–irate that a woman was in his race–grabbed her and tried to yank off her number. Images of the scuffle helped launched Switzer as a potent symbol for equality. She went on to promote women’s running and equality in sports; it became her life’s work. She created a running series that held events in 27 countries for over a million women and fought for the inclusion of the women’s marathon in the Olympic Games.” Runners World, January 2012 issue. Full excerpt here.

In 1972, women were finally allowed to run in the Boston Marathon, thus this year marks the 40th Anniversary. The first Olympic Women’s Marathon, however, did not occur until the Olympics were in Los Angeles in 1984. How is it possible that it took until 1984 for women to be able to run an Olympic marathon?

In October 2011, Kathrine was inducted into the National Women’s Hall of Fame in Syracuse, New York. You can learn more about Kathrine Switzer on her website here. If you scroll down on her homepage, you will see she is traveling all over the place this year for different races and speaking engagements. In 2013, a PBS documentary will be released called, “Makers: Women Who Make America.” Kathrine will be interviewed in this documentary. You can watch a short preview here. You can also view the list of AMAZING women that will be interviewed in this documentary here.

I cannot wait for this documentary to be released next year. In addition to Kathrine, the other women in this documentary are courageous, funny, fierce, sassy, and inspirational!

Listening to Self + Words

Posted by random olio

I had a rough weekend, spent mostly in bed or on the couch. Starting to feel a bit better, but still snuggled on the couch. So rather than share a recap of my not so great weekend, and since it is Monday, I thought I would share two Daily Om’s from last week hopefully as inspiration for your week.

As you might be able to tell from past blog posts, I am a strong supporter of women’s issues. I love finding ideas that promote the strength, poise, and talent of women. So when I came across this Daily Om from Monday, March 19, 2012 a smile grew on my face. In the past I have mentioned the Daily Om that I subscribe to daily (Here are two of my past Daily Om posts). Like any newsletter, there are days that it resonates with me more than others. This is the part of this Daily Om that I love:

“Even though we might want to think of a strong woman as being defined in this way, what really makes a woman confident is her capacity for listening to her true self and being able to call upon her feminine wisdom to any situation that may arise. A woman does not need to step into an assertive role or act like a man in order to be effective at what she does—she simply needs to get in touch with her insight and sense of compassion to truly demonstrate the depth of her strength.”

This is a great reminder for all women. Rock on feminine wisdom and intuition!

The second Daily Om I wanted to share is from March 22, 2012, called: “The Music of Language.” I love the following idea from this Daily Om:

“When we speak or write, we use the vehicles of words to carry meaning, as well as energy, from ourselves to another person or group of people. We may be speaking to our baby, our boss, or to an audience of 500 people. We may be writing a love letter, a work-related memo, or an entry in our own diary. Whatever the case, each word we speak or write has a life of its own, a vibratory signature that creates waves in the same way that a note of music creates waves. And like musical notes, our words live in communities of other words and change in relation to the words that surround them.”

We often forget that our words have energy and lives of their own. Our tone and how we deliver and communicate each word has an impact on those listening to us. Are we creating a story of positive, helpful, and uplifting communication? Or do our words bring others down?

I have a print idea (on my husband’s honey-do list) that I want to put in the entry way of our home: “You are responsible for the energy you bring into this home.”

So this week, women: listen to your true self. Women and all: watch for the energy behind the words you use!

Happy Monday!

From Homeless to Harvard

Posted by random olio

Feel like reading a good book and heartfelt memoir? A few months ago, I read: Breaking Night: A Memoir of Forgiveness, Survival, and My Journey from Homeless to Harvard, by Liz Murray. It is a book that even if you had a good upbringing will make you feel like anything is possible.

Liz grew up in the Bronx with drug addicted parents. While she was not living on the streets until she was 15, the apartments she did live in were not truly habitable. This book shares her story of coming out of horrible circumstances. She eventually graduates from high school in two years, and wins a New York Times scholarship to Harvard. It happens because of her perseverance to change her current circumstances. Some parts of the book are hard to read, but as you read, remember that she lived these experiences. There were times when she would hide in her friend’s closets on very cold days. Other times her friends would smuggle her into their rooms and feed her. My heart just yearned for the fact that her friend’s families did not take her into their homes completely. Maybe the parents were just getting by to feed their own children. I so badly wanted someone to notice her situation and take her in.

She watches both of her parents abuse drugs for many years. They steal any money Liz might make for food or clothes to pay for their drugs, and they use their welfare check at the beginning of the month for drugs. She has such love for her parents, regardless of what they put her through. Without giving it away, you will see how later in her life, the unconditional love she gives them.

After college, Liz Murray founded the Broome Street Academy, one of the first high schools for homeless youth. You can find more information about Liz Murray on her website, Manifest Living.

I encourage you to read Breaking Night. It will remind you that we are capable of more than we know.