“Homesick For A Place That Never Existed?”

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“Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn’t actually exist anymore? Someplace that exists only in your mind?” page 103

A quote from the book: “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by Jenny Lawson. A memoir about her life, at times hilarious, blunt, and sassy. The above quote makes me think of what I often feel. Do you ever go over old memories in your head, sometimes over and over again to see if you still remember the smallest details? I think about things from my childhood that make me nostalgic. Things that made me happy as a kid. Was it my mom’s chocolate chess pie that I LOVED and no longer have the recipe for, but have NEVER been able to recreate. Or, remembering times when we would somehow end up on my parents king size bed laughing and tickling each other. Did that really happen? I know it did, but with so much time that has passed I often wonder, was there one time when that happened, or was it many times that created my memory?

We all have a part of us that sugar coats the bad aspects of life. Often over time we forget the bad parts. The ones that made us cry, or feel horrible about ourselves, or alone. There are times when I make a nice creme brulee shell over the painful parts of my childhood, and others show the raw memories of abuse and abandonment. Which is why I related so much to what Jenny says here:

“He quietly said (as if to himself) that the memories of the places we’d been before were always more golden-tinted in retrospect than they had ever been at the time, and I nodded, surprised that he’d known more than he’d let on. He was right, but I didn’t know if that made it better or worse. Was it worse to be homesick for a time that was once home, but now lived only in your own mind … or to be homesick for a place that never really existed at all?” 103-104

I think my homesickness comes as a picture of what I dreamed a family and home life could have been. When I miss my parents and my family together, it is more from telling myself what it would be like to still have parents that are alive. Parents that I can call up when I am having a hard day, or when I needs some words of advice. Honestly though, my parents were never really those kinds of parents. Maybe I feel that way because they passed on when I was so young, that I had to move on with my life without having them fill the roles of advice giver, supporter, and nurturer. In the end, my imagination of what my relationship could have been if they were alive is what makes me homesick.

Does that mean I am “homesick for a place that never really existed at all?”

ah memories: my maroon bike with banana seat!

Zoomed In = Greater Intimacy

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Yesterday I woke up after a strange dream and had many thoughts instantly come into my head that had nothing to do with my dream. What a strange way to wake up on a Sunday morning. The following is what came into my thought. Good thing I have a pen and pad of paper next to my bed…

There never seems to be enough time in the day to accomplish all that needs to get done. There are usually too many lenses to look through, and too many things to focus on. Often we are juggling too many things and it means we cannot focus well on any of them. The same goes for people in our lives. I am a fan of having fewer close friends, than many non-close acquaintances. The more individuals we have to devote our attention to, the less depth we can give to others.

It is like being at a large party or a big wedding. How many times have you been to a wedding, and never really had the opportunity to connect with the bride or groom? Was it because of the large volume of people the bride/groom have to attend to on their wedding day? Did you feel more like just another body attending the event? Many times at large events, the more individuals that are involved, the less intimacy and connection happens.

Depth is lost by more numbers.

Just like when you take a photo of a large group of people, you cannot zoom closer in with the lens to include everyone, you have to go further away. I crave smaller, closer connections. I would rather zoom in than out, and allow for greater connection and intimacy.

Thoughts on my random morning wake up brain dump?

Happiness = Eternal Stench of Running Clothes

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Happy Friday! What do you do each day to get exercise? Do you sit in cubicle hell all day, or do you have the ability to move around, stretch, and have an active day?

I spent most of my life NOT running. Now I cannot seem to get enough of it. I want to go everyday and usually I do not want to stop when I need to due to other obligations, or because I am wiped out. I crave it. I often think about what would happen if I had been enamored with running earlier in life. Why did it take me so many years? Did I think I would not be good enough? Did I think it would be too exhausting? I cannot remember, all I know now is that I cannot imagine my life without running in it.

It is not that I did not have encouragement. A very close friend from college ran daily, often winning races and hiding the trophies in the back of her closet. She was a badass (and still is) but never wanted to talk about her race wins. She would often come back to our room for a quick shower before dinner completely caked in mud and gloriously happy. What did she already understand that took me years to wrap my arms around?

The key for me is the euphoria I feel when I finish a run. I feel pushed and stretched. I feel like I am being responsible for my health and taking care of myself. I feel like I have had an hour to myself. I feel content. While my husband would prefer to not smell the stench of my running clothes hanging in the bathroom, he obliges because he knows how happy it makes me. The stench = hard work, dedication, accomplishment = happiness.

Do you have a daily exercise routine that makes your day balanced?

Banned: Texting while walking

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I keep meaning to write about texting. It came to me the other day – just a random thought while working – that kids today probably do not pass notes, they text during class. Someone told me that phones are not allowed in classrooms, but I know that most school kids know how to text without even looking at the phone screen or keyboard. So I imagine it is happening under desks and in pockets. Gosh, how that makes me feel old. The art and design of letters, color, drawings, and fold of the paper is lost. Now, the passed note is replaced with: “ROTFLMAO” – for those of you that need a translation: “Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.” We have turned plain English words into acronyms. Why? Is it because it is easier? We are lazy? Who knows! I just hope that those who grew up sending 1000 text messages a day are still able to formulate real sentences.

Which is why I find the story about a town in New Jersey bizarre. Individuals walking in Fort Lee, New Jersey will have to stop to text, following the passage of a law that imposes $85 fines on walkers caught texting. I am not against a city putting such a ban in place. I just am fascinated that it is what was needed for those with texting addictions. What does that say about how engaged we are with our phones, apps, emails, and texts that we cannot even watch to ensure that we can make it safely across the street. What is interesting is that the ban is connected to texting, but really a person could be watching a YouTube video, playing Scrabble, updating Facebook all while walking. We are so connected to the Inter-world, that we cannot seem to disconnect in the outer world.

Be sure to look at the end of this Huffington Post article that has quite a few videos of individuals texting (we assume they are texting, maybe they just saw something funny on Facebook) while walking and what happens to them.

Do not even get me started on texting and driving. So I guess I will leave you by saying: *”SSEWBA”

Enjoy your day – and keep your head up!

*Someday Soon, Everything Will Be Acronyms

Do You Listen 100%?

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A few months ago I came across “You Learn by Living” by Eleanor Roosevelt. I wish I had read it many years ago. She inspired me more than any other first lady. One idea (of the many I wrote down) was about listening. I feel that over the past few years we as a society have become horrible listeners. There are too many other things happening around us. Our phone is ringing, we are getting a text message, sending an email, or in the middle of a level of Angry Birds. We multi-task. I myself am just as much to blame. I am a hard-core multi-tasker. I of course feel like I do an amazing job at it, but do I really? I feel like I do, but I often wonder if I am just trying to make myself feel better about all that I am trying to do at once. This is what she says about listening:

“If such a search is to be successful, however, you will need two qualities which you can develop by practice. One is the ability to be a good listener. The other is the imaginative ability to put yourself in the other person’s place; to try to discover what he is thinking and feeling; to understand as far as you can the background from which he came, the soil out of which his roots have grown, the customs and beliefs and ideas which have shaped his thinking.”  P. 136

Three short sentences that are jam-packed with ideas. Do you have an “imaginative ability to be a good listener?” To me that means going to extremes to make sure that the person you are engaged with knows you are listening, and that…you ACTUALLY are. What if you tried that for one week? What if you made sure that every conversation and interaction you had, you were focused 100%? I would like to try that over the next week and see if I can tell the difference in how I connect with others. Do I feel I understand them more, retained more information, and better executed on my part of the conversation? Did I tell someone I would follow through on something?

I also love where she says: “the imaginative ability to put yourself in the other person’s place; to discover what he is thinking and feeling” – it is something I try to do. See, I love learning about people. You could say people fascinate me. I always have the thought in my mind: “put yourself in their shoes.” I think it helps to relate to others who might be different from you, that might even have an opposite upbringing and life experience. I think it gives a person empathy when interacting with others.

So, are you with me? Do you want to try to listen 100% over the next week?