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Rising Strong: Passing on our pain and hurt to others

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There are times when we all get frustrated and act out, not always exhibiting our best selves to the world. Maybe we are having a rough day, are cranky, tired, and in my case potentially hungry. Chris has a joke for when I am cranky and he knows I am probably hungry. He says: “Do you need a Snickers bar?” It is his nicer way of telling me that maybe my grumpy mood is connected to my hunger. Often we also have too high expectations (I know I do) and those lead to disappointment.

I recently finished reading Brene Brown’s new book to come out: “Rising Strong.” Brown is the author of “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead“ a book that is on my top 5 list. I have been patiently awaiting the release of Rising Strong. This specific idea Brown shares discusses not passing our pain and hurt on to others. Oh, and I love the term badassery.

“There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed. Emotional stoicism is not badassery. Blustery posturing is not badassery. Swagger is not badassery. Perfection is about the furthest thing in the world from badassery.” Page xxvii

So how do we go about focusing more on how we are “feeling” rather than transferring our pain and disappointment to others. First, you might read “Rising Strong.” Another simple way is to talk about it. Chris and I have been talking a lot recently about how we want to raise the son we will meet in just a few months. One of the things that comes to me so strongly is encouraging and creating an environment where he feels comfortable to share his words, emotions, and feelings. I did not grow up in such an environment, and Chris keeps a lot to himself. I want to make sure that we are not doing anything as parents that closes any doors for our son to freely be himself.

A more open and free person feels their hurt and disappointment and acts out less to others. Remember that when you watch someone live their pain, they might just need a bit of help to see what they are doing and how to change gears.

Squeeze the orange

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I love, love, love sharing a good thing. Wayne Dyer was a good thing and it saddened me to hear about his passing this week. An amazing man, one that should be remembered with the likes of Maya Angelou, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, and other thought leaders. I saw this come up on social media and it was just what I needed to hear and I wanted to share. This is an excerpt of Dyer’s words:

“I was preparing to speak at an I Can Do It conference and I decided to bring an orange on stage with me as a prop for my lecture. I opened a conversation with a bright young fellow of about twelve who was sitting in the front row.

“If I were to squeeze this orange as hard as I could, what would come out?” I asked him.

He looked at me like I was a little crazy and said, “Juice, of course.”

“Do you think apple juice could come out of it?”

“No!” he laughed.

“What about grapefruit juice?”

“No!”

“What would come out of it?”

“Orange juice, of course.”

“Why? Why when you squeeze an orange does orange juice come out?”

He may have been getting a little exasperated with me at this point.

“Well, it’s an orange and that’s what’s inside.”

I nodded. “Let’s assume that this orange isn’t an orange, but it’s you. And someone squeezes you, puts pressure on you, says something you don’t like, offends you. And out of you comes anger, hatred, bitterness, fear. Why? The answer, as our young friend has told us, is because that’s what’s inside.”

It’s one of the great lessons of life. What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing—your mother, your brother, your children, your boss, the government. If someone says something about you that you don’t like, what comes out of you is what’s inside. And what’s inside is up to you, it’s your choice.

When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life.

Thanks, my young friend, and here’s an orange for you!

On this long holiday weekend, think about what you have inside. Take away the negative and remember, when you are squeezed does sour or sweet come out? Squeeze away.

Random recipe: Butternut Squash Mac & Cheese

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Lately (maybe it is the pregnancy) I have been craving pasta. I might need more carbs as this baby grows inside me. This week we decided we would try a new pasta option. We are both for the most part fans of butternut squash. This dish felt on the heavier side, a thicker sauce, and maybe it is my desire these days for everything to have salt, but I wanted to add flake salt before eating. Definitely worth trying and fairly easy to make. But what do I know? Chris is the chef.

 

Butternut Squash Mac & Cheese

1 pound of pasta
Extra virgin olive oil
1 shallot, diced
2 tablespoons flour
2 tablespoons milk (or more if needed)
10 oz pureed butternut squash (we cheated and bought frozen)
1 cup of Cheddar cheese, shredded
1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese, grated
A few tablespoons of roughly chopped fresh thyme
Salt and pepper

Bring a large pot to a boil over medium-high heat and dump in your pasta. Cook accordingly.

While pasta is boiling, add chopped shallot and about 2 tablespoons of olive oil to a large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add a dash of salt and pepper. Saute about three minutes or until nice and tender. Add in one more drizzle of olive oil. Next, whisk in your flour and cook for about a minute. Then, whisk in your milk. Whisk everything together and then add in the pureed squash. Continue whisking over medium-high heat until the sauce thickens. Whisk in shredded Cheddar and grated Parmesan cheese along with the thyme. Add more milk if it gets too thick and keep whisking!

Drain the water from your cooked pasta and pour the squash mixture over the top of the pasta. Serve immediately. Garnish with extra Parmesan and thyme if you’d like.

Your family will love it…butternut squash and all.

Tyler’s Lemonade Stand

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If you were an adult in my world when I was a kid, you probably would have thought that I would have gone into sales. Now the thought of it kind of grosses me out. Why sales? I was a Girl Scout which means I sold Girl Scout cookies. I think the only reason I even stayed in the troop for the many years that I did was because of the competition (with myself and others) of selling Girl Scout cookies. I am not going to go into details, as I have other blog posts about that.

My elementary school also raised money by selling nuts and candy every year. I cannot even remember the prize — maybe it was just knowing I sold near if not at the top of my class. At the same time I also had my own paper route. I delivered the “The Star Press” which meant it was the evening/afternoon newspaper. (Thank goodness, as I am so not a morning person). Every few months our manager would ask us to go “canvassing” where basically he would take us to strange and sketchy neighborhoods, often at night and ask us to go door-to-door to see if we could get folks to sign up for the newspaper. That was the least glamorous of all the gigs even with the random prizes and money he would throw in each night to see who would be encouraged to try harder and come out on top. Mind you — I was nine at the time.

And, yet, I am not in sales and I do not even dream of ever being in sales as a career. (My dad would have been so bummed). I often wonder what propelled me to want to excel and do so well selling things door-to-door. I was not a crazy outgoing kid, but somehow going door-to-door, selling on college campuses, and the competition of it all was an adrenaline rush for me.

Fast forward to 2015 and I come across “Tyler’s Lemonade Stand Fundraiser.” Tyler lives in Grafton, NY and decided to raise money for a police sergeant that was battling cancer and could not work. See this video of the long line of police cars that come to pay Tyler a visit and show their support. So far Tyler has raised $1500. Amazing. Now that is sales and talent put to good use. You rock, Tyler.

Bae, bae, bae…

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I am getting old. I kept seeing this word show up on social media #bae and yes, I had no idea what it meant. So of course I googled it:

“Bae,” Urban Dictionary says, is an acronym that stands for “before anyone else,” or a shortened version of baby or babe, another word for sweetie, and, mostly unrelated, poop in Danish. Jul 25, 2014

Okay. I get the “before anyone else” and I also actually love that it is also “poop” in Danish. How do these urban words start? This one is also in the name of a Pharrell Williams song: “Come Get It Bae.” I guess I missed that one when it came out. I tried to listen to it as I wrote this blog post and it did nothing for me. In the last year there have been articles from Esquire and Time, and many other online magazines asking the same question I am, only I am a year too late.

I am definitely getting old. I am not one to call Chris my baby or babe anyways, so maybe that is another reason it does not strike me, and yes I am no longer in my twenties. Over time I have come to the realization that I am a: “say-what-you-mean-in-a-direct-way” kind of woman. Just say it. Just like you mean it. No fluff. No shortened social media acronym. Why should I try to guess what you mean? Am I making myself any younger?

Maybe I will just resort to using it when I tell Chris “I need to bae, bae” aka: “I need to poop, babe.” Let him figure out what I mean. Ha.