Is chivalry all about intent?

Posted by random olio

He is a gentlemen. He is listening, watching, and aware. However, do not be fooled, he can have a bite too. As you watch him in a room, he can often be the quiet one, but when he talks others listen. Most likely it is because he does not fill the airwaves with mindless banter (as I might be more accused of doing). Regardless of his quiet demeanor, he has always put me first (well 99% of the time–no one is that perfect)! Yes, I am speaking of Chris. My man, my partner in crime. He is good to me, takes care of me, and does little things that make me feel safe. An example, walking back to our car in a sketchy part of town, he will open the door for me and make sure I am in the car safely. Does he do it all the time? No, do I want him to? Hell no. Do I love that he does it randomly? Yes (said with a smile).

I just finished reading a great book with each chapter having an excerpt from a different woman called: “Mistakes I Made at Work: 25 Influential Women Reflect on What They Got Out of Getting It Wrong” edited by Jessica Bacal. It was an interesting read on a variety of topics. 25 women talk about lessons they learned on the job, at some of their toughest moments. One of the ideas that stood out for me was from author, Courtney E. Martin about chivalry:

“I wrote a post about chivalry, trying to unpack what it means to be feminist in romantic relationships. I liked when guys opened doors for me but wondered if that fed a stereotype that women were weak and needed to be taken care of by men. I thought about it and felt good about the distinction that I came up with—door opening as a loving gesture versus door opening with an ‘I don’t think you can open this heavy door by your little self!’ attitude. What I ended up writing was that it’s romantic if it happens out of care and interdependence but not romantic if the guy thinks you are an ‘invalid’—a word I was trying to use ironically.” Page 229

Martin mentions romantic relationships, but I think as a woman it can also translate to work. You can tell which male co-workers open the door because they are just opening the door for you, (and you would do the same for them) and how many are doing it because of a power play. They feel like they should, as Martin mentions they think you are too weak to do so, or they are better at the task. It is always a little strange as a woman, that men let me go first through a door. I mean–why does it matter who goes first?

Whether the men I work with everyday, or the one I have chosen to spend my life with decide to do it as a “loving gesture” or not, I hope they at least think about their intent. That is all that really matters, right? At the end of the day, power over another does not make us equals. Why not look at the relationship and decide what works? Maybe we all have different ways to show we care, and we also have different ways to show our power.

What do you think?

Listen to what people do

Posted by random olio

Sometimes short and sweet makes an idea stick. I have been thinking about my actions and the actions of others. So often we are let down because of what others tell us they are going to do, and then they let us down. Maybe they do not follow through with what they told us they would do, (you know when it is just lip service). Or maybe it is the complete opposite, maybe they do not talk often but they show you their true being by what they did (or did not do). A recent blog post from Seth Godin, that was short and sweet really made me think:

“Two ways to listen

You can listen to what people say, sure.

But you will be far more effective if you listen to what people do.”

What if we started talking less (I am the first to say I need to do this) and watch our actions more? Does what we do matter more than what we say? Does showing someone we love them stick more than saying the words: “I love you”?

Do we really listen to what people do? What someone does shows intent and often leaves a lasting impact where words can sometimes be forgotten. It does not mean that words are completely lost, but what you experience with another is often hard to forget. It is why the phase: “actions speak louder than words” is so common to say, but do we often think about that when we take action? Probably not, but we should.

Listening to what people do is also an act of patience, so is listening to what people say. Listening to what people do just takes more conscious effort. When someone is standing before you there is more of an obligation to focus on them, make eye contact, and give them your time as you listen to them talk. There is no obligation to listen to what people do. That takes another layer of effort and care. You probably listen more to someone’s actions when you feel you have been wronged, but do you listen when they do something good? My hunch is that we all can do better to share our gratitude for others when we listen and see the good they have brought to our life.

Here is to a week of more active listening. Thank you, Seth.

Give and take energy

Posted by random olio

I have written often over the past year about energy. What energy do you bring into a room, a group of people, a home, your place of work? I constantly go back to the idea of energy and how we always have control over our own and how we allow it to ooze, and cover whatever we touch. Some days the sun is shining brightly and it brings a smile to your face and that energy is spread to everyone else. Those are the good days and that is the energy that is contagious. Other days we step in gum, cannot find a parking spot, and feel our energy is just off, and sometimes that bummer day is spread to everyone else.

I love this quote about energy from a Daily Om “A Question of Balance.” While it talks about intimate relationships, it actually really applies to any relationship:

“One of the most beautiful qualities of an intimate relationship is the give and take of energy that occurs between two people.”

Whether the relationship is with a co-worker, a close friend, a sibling, or significant other, the energy you share with them matters. Think about how it feels when you walk into a room and you feel completely welcome. There is a warm and happy glow. Do you ever think about the energy you give, or what you bring to each interaction? How does your energy level, your positive (or negative) emotions bring others up or down? Do you come into situations with the intent to help elevate others, or do you intend to bring them down?

At times I feel like a sponge, absorbing the energy around me. What takes the most energy and effort is to walk into a room of negativity, and gloom and keep yourself above it while also attempting to elevate or raise the energy and emotion of others. It tends to be easier to join a negative environment then it is to raise the bar from negative to positive. A happy and positive environment is always easy to join, as I said before, it is contagious.

Bring on a positive, slap happy, environment full of laughter. I will be there with you any day.

Give a little love…

Posted by random olio

Love. Love. Love. Giving a little love is never too late. I believe that love is truly the answer to so many problems. For those that are depressed, angry, or lost love could be the answer.

Most of the time when we struggle in life, when we feel loved, appreciated, and seen we find the answers we need. If that is true, what could we do to share love more each and every day? What could you do with your family, at work, with your friends? If we knew that sharing love in everything we do could transform others, would we do it? Would you? If it breaks boundaries and removes miscommunications, would you lead the way with love? If you said yes, then how do we do it? I love this quote from Brene Brown:

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.”

The idea of being vulnerable and showing our true selves has been a recent inspiration to me. If we show our true selves in the most raw and real way, how can love not surround us? Are we afraid that it will not? It is not possible. Love is always around us, we just need to stop and witness it. Most of the time, love is surrounding us in ways we cannot imagine. We just need to open our eyes, look around, and appreciate it. A few friends shared this on Valentines Day and I wanted to share it. When you watch it, I hope it reminds you that love is there each moment of your day.

My marriage secret: 51/49

Posted by random olio

If you are married, you will probably understand what I am about to tell you. You know that Sunday afternoon when it is slightly cold out, but it is past time to clear the leaves out of the gutters? When you ask your husband if maybe this is the day to clean them out, and they look at you with raised eyebrows because they know it is:

a) a good day for it

b) past time for it to be done

c) they do not want to get on the roof and clean the gutters

d) they know you are right

You say to your husband: “51/49” which equates to: time to clean the gutters.

You might ask: What is this 51/49? Chris and I have a little mantra for our marriage that we joke about together. “51/49” is what we call it. Basically the short and dirty of it is that I have 51% say and he has 49% say in decisions. I know what you are thinking. Either: “That is not fair” or “Wow, lucky woman.” Whatever you are thinking, save it. It works for us. Chris has always had the idea in his mind: “Happy wife; happy life.” You can guess correctly that I like it. I have the most wonderful husband (I already know I do so you do not have to tell me).

You may ask why I am telling you this – especially when I have also just told you that he only gets 49% say. Well, in the end 51/49 is our inside joke. It is our decision-making motto. Yes, there are many decisions that we make together. Definitely the big ones, buying a house, moving to a different city, making large purchases, you know the drill. Yet, on the day-to-day level, I often plot out the plan for our life. I carve out what is next, make a plan, and divvy up the details for us both to execute. Partly because I am on point for driving us forward with those plans, I often use 51/49 to make sure things happen. If we are torn about where to have dinner and I have a strong opinion, I might mention 51/49. With a grin on his face, and the knowledge that it is our little joke, Chris might lean my way. Or, he might decide to bring his own plan to the mix and test my 51/49. Yes, it is fun, and yes, it has proven very effective in our marriage.

51/49 is also a reminder to us to take good care of each other. I try just as hard to look out for and pamper Chris as he does for me. We do it in different ways, but we love to find ways to make sure we both share in living a happy life together.

I grew up in a family where my father made the decisions (whether right, smart, wrong, or not thought through), while my mom did almost everything in the house. It was always evident to me that my dad made the decisions. It was his way or the highway. I knew I never wanted to be in that kind of marriage. First, I am too strong-willed. Second, I wanted to be in a relationship where we shared and made decisions together. 51/49 works for us.

What do you think of our marriage secret?