Life has ebbed and flowed over the past year. I have missed the space in my life that allows for pondering, writing, and sharing via my blog. Authenticity is very important to me and I have not felt that I could give of myself in the way I wanted to write and share in this past year. And since I bring myself to everything wholeheartedly I shut this blog life part of my life away in a closet. What I want — and have every intention to try — is to share (at random of course) blogs as I can. Hopefully it will not be another year until my next one.
I have been fascinated lately with how I will hear an idea that will resonate so strongly with me and then it shows up in varying ways. Recently I ran across this Daily Om called “Focus on the Good.” It brings up the idea of vibrations – and it is one of those ideas that has been popping out at me in articles, books, and conversations. Everything you do at every moment is watched and seen by others. What you do and say is like throwing a rock in the pond, the impact of the action reverberates out to those that surround you. Vibrations can have an expansive, spreadable impact — whether positive or negative.
Every moment of every day you have a choice — what comes out of your mouth, the language your body expresses — is absorbed by all around you and makes up the vibration you share as part of who you are and how you show up to others.
I have been thinking a lot about the “vibe” I bring in a meeting when I react to good or bad news, how I handle Nico when he might have a tantrum, the cashier at the store, when I am grumpy, what ripple do I leave? We talk a lot at work about the “vibe” we want to leave. Your vibe is really the vibration you leave behind.
I promise I will not change my blog from being about anything and everything, and entirely random, but for now my mind is on babies.
I am in love. Everyone tells you how much you will be in love and addicted to your own child. They tell you, and you hear it, but it does not really sink in until you hold that precious little baby. There is no way to bottle up that knowledge — it is something that has to be experienced. I can imagine what a lot of things would be like, but many have to be experienced and felt as they happen. I have also been told that not everyone falls in love and becomes attached to their child right away.
I will say that first hour of bonding after delivery was a bit of a blur. I could see him right in front of me but the way he was laying I could not see his face. And, I was exhausted. So utterly exhausted. So it is a blur. Sure I have pictures and a video, and I am grateful he was on me first before getting checked out and cleaned up. It is the hours and days that follow that make me a feisty momma bear. I would d0 absolutely anything for this boy.
If I were to start a business, it would be to bottle up that Nico baby smell. It feels like I go and burrow my head in his neck just to smell him. I want that smell never to go away. How is it that babies smell so good? I know that eventually he will smell like sweat, and dirt, but right now I do not want that baby smell ever to go away.
Now I have two boys that melt my heart. Chris. Nico.
Some days I feel like I am on both sides of a teeter totter. (I am chuckling to myself because when I typed that the first time I wrote teeter tooter.) Do you ever have those days? One second you are incredibly positive and grateful. The sun is out and the air is clear. You are happy. Then moments later all hell breaks loose and you are grumpy and frustrated. It is pouring down rain and cold. You feel dumpy.
Ever happen to you? It is not the norm for me. Just sometimes a random day when like a flip of a light switch things change in a moment and everything is turned upside down. Which is worse on a teeter totter: getting stuck on the bottom, or getting stuck up in the air? For some reason, I remember as a kid not liking getting stuck in the air. It meant the person sitting on the ground had all the control. If they stayed down, it meant you were stuck up in the air. Sometimes that was fun, but other times it sucked. Is that what it is like when you have a teeter totter day? When you get the bad news that knocks the wind out of you, it feels like being stuck in the air? When you feel that you are oh so close to that next thing, and then it is snatched away from you so fast you do not even see it happen?
How do you get out of the air? Usually the individual on the ground either has to let up on their heavy hold and let you have a turn down on earth, or you have to change partners. Which makes me think that on those tetter totter days I either have to let go of the heavy hold I have on what I want, or I have to change gears. Look at the situation in a different way. Find the good in each moment. Even in that moment where what I wanted flew by before I could even tell.